Friday, December 30, 2011

For-NOW never for-EVER

It seems to me that I always seem to be the for-now girl. I meet someone and they seem interested and keep me around for a little (now) than just for some reason start avoiding me and loose interest just as fast as it started. My heart continues to crack with each one who walks away. I always seem to watching this familiar scene of someone who stole my heart and than walks away. It's a lonely scene really. What is it about me that I can only get NOW out of them? Why can't he fall for me the way I fall for him? Maybe just maybe I have a balance issue and need to just stop falling. How do I do this? Live in a bubble..yes that might work. Ok maybe not. I keep falling and falling and I am totally sick of it. I am sick of being the one always cracked and hurt. Bandaids just don't cut it anymore. Maybe for-ever is just not for me. I am not going to have that kind of love. I just don't know how many for-nows I can handle. I just don't want now any more I want ever!!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving Day vs Turkey Day vs Shopping

Today is my 36th Thanksgiving. I may not be able to remember all 36, but i do remember some of them. Right now I am sitting in my first apartment just thinking about Thanksgiving and what it is really all about. There seems to be a little controversy on what the day is really celebrated in honor of. Some say it is a day to give thanks (hence Thanks-giving). Some say it is Turkey Day, a day to eat turkey and spend time with your family, friends, and those you love. Some say it is just an overeating day. Some say it is a day to stand in line for hours upon hours to get that one special gift on Black Friday-aka Deal Day. Some say it is a day just to say Thank you for all you have. As I grew up, I feel that food has over powered the holiday a little, stress as well. It was all about who gets what left overs and how much? Who will make what and how much? In my family, one person always seemed to be the one responsible for most of all the hardwork. That's a lot to ask of one person. But I also think that though the food may have been at the fore front of many Thanksgivings, I do believe that the time we all spent together was very special. We didn't always state what we were thankful for, but we knew that we were family and enjoyed the time we were spending together. We were family. This year there is a lot of controversy over the stores opening tonight, yes on Thanksgiving to start the Black Friday deals early. Shouldn't Thanksgiving be about family and spending time with them and give thanks? Well who says standing in a long line for hours with a friend or family memeber isn't special and meaningful. Someone standing in line for all this time to Maybe get a special gift they want for a special someone. Isn't that in a way saying Thank You. Maybe today is about all of it-giving thanks-eating turkey, over eating a little (or whatever special food)-spending time with family-standing in long lines for deals-say thank you for everything you have (does it really matter exactly how you say it?). Maybe it's one or some combination of all of these. Isn't what really matters is that we do what ever we always do? Isn't is really about tradition? Tradition is an important part about today-remembering the past ones and trying to make the present one just a little better and exciting than last time. Well that's what I think about thanksgiving. Every Thanksgiving I try to remember what I am thankful for, but I get so overwhelmed with how much I really have, when I actually sit down and think it over (expecially if I am not down about something else). So here goes...I am very thankful for the following:
1. My favorite aunt: She does absolutely everything for everyone, especially me. She is my best friend, sister, aunt. Someone I look up to and will always be in debt to for all she has done for me. I wouldn't be the same person without her.
2.My mom: Though she has spent the last 8 Thanksgivings in heaven, I am still thankful I had her as my mommy. She was the best and I miss her everyday. She always did the cutest things for me.
3. My dad: for always being my dad and sending me little notes when I was a kid-ever day for lunch in school. And many more.
4. Grandparents: All my grandparents have hit a special part in my heart.
5. Aunts and uncles: I could go to some of my aunts with questions I needed answered.
6. Cousins: Love all them. I have one girl cousin who is more like a sister and one cousin like a brother and they hold a very special place in my heart as well.
7. All my friends: two that are married have really been there for me and we have gotten very close over the last two years and others that are so special to me. I am so lucky to have so many close friends.
8. Loves: each of you have made an imprint on my heart and have helped me become who I am today. Gumby-you made me realize some things I really need in a relationship. The Big Red Truck, you made me believe in butterflies and magic again.
9.Job-I have one and don't hate it.
10. My new apt: so excited to decorate and have something of my own.
11. Car: I have two.
12. Things: I have lots of them...thank you!
13. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am thankful for that too!
See I consider myself very fortunate. Sometimes I lose sight of this when I am stressed, heartbroken, or lonely, but my fortune is out there. I know this. So whatever your Thanksgiving brings just remember one word and one word only-TRADITION!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My Heart is Bleeding...Blue and White!

There is a lot going on this week, much sadness at the University where I once walked through the snow, the colorful leaves, the rain throughout the historic sites. A place where I went to class every day (yes I went to every class) and got a top notch education. A place where I felt safe as I walked through the amazing campus. A place that was a second home (first to some) to many people. A place where we had family. A man that once roamed our campus betrayed and violated children in the worst possible way. It is sick and so sad that this could happen in our community. As an alumnus, I sit back in pain thinking of the awful things these children had to go through. I feel for them and their families. My family is hurting as well (not to the extent I understand that). My school is being drug through the mud because of one monster and gang of cover upers. It is so sad, because we that once called this place "home" know that it is not what we truly stand for. We are much more than that. We are sad for the victims. We are...a family trying to pick up the pieces so it doesn't completely fall apart. Some of those looking in through the window do not truly understand. They think we are being selfish, because the children are the victims not us, TRUE...VERY TRUE. However when something bad happens in a affects the entire family. It's like venom entering your spreads throughout your body. Also our "father" has been kicked to the curb for not doing enough. This has struck us all in our hearts. A man we all look up to for all his goodness and pride. How can this be? This cannot be my reality. It just can't. Others look down upon all of us who still show pride of our school. Is this not hate? Hate by association? Hate will not heal the victims. It won't. Kindness and generosity will not completely heal, but it will do more than hate. Please let the hate of the family be gone. Be disgusted with the one who deserves it, not the millions of others. We are passionate for a place we love and the people in it, that does not mean we condone the horrific behaviors of a few. My heart bleeds and though it is frowned upon by many...It bleeds Blue and white and always will and I will not be ashamed.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Three Little Words

Ever since I was a little girl my parents always told me how much they loved me...every day. My dad has always says he loves me every time we see each other or every time we talk on the phone. He says these powerful words every time. My mom continued to say "I love you" to me until the day she fell asleep for ever. I still dream of her and she hugs me in my dreams and tells me she loves me. I know in my heart that she still says "I love you" to me every day, I just can't hear it. (I love you Mommy and miss you so much. Please come see me in my dreams real soon.) It has always been easy for me to tell family that I love them and even hear it from them and believe it. I guess because I know nothing else when it comes to the ones who have loved me my whole life. In the past few years my best friend has told me she loved me as well and at first it was weird for me, but I have become much more comfortable with these three little words. I do love many family, friends, and all the children in my life and I accept their love as well. There are all different kinds of love-family love-friendship love-human love just to start. However, when it comes to the deep magical love I become so hesitant to let that love come near me or express it. I remember my 6th grade boyfriend writing it in notes, but was that really love, not really. When I was a freshman in college, my boyfriend said, "I love you" then slept with someone else. No one ever said it again until my 6 1/2 year relationship with Gumby. He said it twice. I can't say I said it often. Like I said "I love you" means more to me than any other 8 letter arrangement. I think I was always scared I would say it and it not be returned. I have a lot of experience with the unrequited love. I am not sure Gumby ever felt it, just said it to keep me from walking away. I always dreamed that one day these three little words would come from the lips of someone who started my heart on fire, stimulated my mojo and livened up the butterflies within. Then my life would be complete and I would live my happily ever after saying "I love you" to him and he saying "I love you". Though that is not always the case, because my dream came true. The one (Big Red Truck) told me he loved me, but unfortunately he is not free to do so. However my heart does not understand this and just heard those words and just wanted to take him in my arms and hug him tightly and kiss him till I was so dizzy I would fall. Because "I love him" too. So for the first time these three little words hurt more than I thought they could ever hurt. Being loved is great, but being loved by someone you love, but cannot be with feels as if someone is stabbing my in the heart with a magic wand-rather than turning me into Cinderella, as a cruel joke. Maybe he just says it to, because he knows he never has to follow through with it...makes it easier that way. I don't know what to think. What am I supposed to learn from this? I don't know. How do I move on when I am in love with someone who says they could love me that way if they weren't taken? I need to learn. Maybe when the Model comes back from Las Vegas and I see him again some of these crazy Big Red Truck feelings can be slowly moved into his direction and if the three letter words come again....they will be mutual, magical and possible.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Apple Tree

A friend of mine saw this and sent it to me. She said it made her think of me. I am not sure who it is written by. But it is what inspired the previous post.
"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

So I guess this got me thinking that I will wait. I will wait for the one who will climb to the top of the tree to get me, and only take one apple off the tree.

Standing Still...Holding On

This past week has been seriously insane when it comes to past heartbreaks. Within one week I have been in contact with 3 past heartbreaks in one way or another. I feel like I am just a standing stature with multiple roads extending out from my standing point. I stand there watching those I once held in my heart just continue to walk away. I stand watching them just walk and walk and walk in the wrong direction...not towards me. I said 3, yes. I will name them Gumby (from a previous post), the Big Red Truck (from a previous post) and the fantasy (just a crush I had 13 years ago and always wished something would have happened-nothing every did). Let's talk about Gumby first. Two years ago he walked away (ok..I made him walk away) with another. I stood in this very spot and just watched. A painful farewell. My fantasy was revisited this past week and just a glimpse of maybe just one night was in view for just a second, but he sprinted down his path in the opposite direction, but I still stand here and watch. And of course the most recent heartbreak, The Big Red Truck. Once again, no I haven't learned my lesson, I stand in this lonely spot just watching someone special walk down his path with another. This time I see him turn back and look at me and smile and sometimes even take maybe just a baby step towards me instead of away from me. But as always turns back the other way and continues to walk. So hope, just a little, fills up my heart and then vanishes faster than David Copperfield. So as I stand in my lonely spot I wonder, what am I doing here? Why do I stand here and just watch them continue to walk away from me? Why do I torture myself? I decided to look in some other directions and guess what there are many other paths to pursue. So what to do? Stand here and wait for him to come back in my direction while watching him get further and further away with another or take another path? Just because I would take a step on another path does not mean that a path once visited cannot merge sometime in the future. But standing still, standing watching all alone while a love loves another is doing what exactly, nothing but continuing to break my heart. So I am going to no longer stand still. I am going to start walking, maybe the further I walk from this sad and lonely place, the lighter my heart will feel and will let these new paths take me somewhere wonderful. Who knows an old path may open up again for me and lead me to that same blissful place. But I cannot just stand and wait, all alone, while he moves on towards a life of love. Watching doesn't get you anywhere, only doing does. Yes I could follow down on old path, but isn't that just getting me closer to the pain. Who know maybe one day, I will be worth it and I will be followed.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Dream, Imagine, Inspire

Dream, Imagine, Inspire...are just words until one actually puts them into action. These words surround me when I sleep (ok if I sleep in my own bed). I fall asleep reflecting on these powerful actions. I wake to the same energy. However, in my life they have been mostly just words. I think sometimes I feel empty because I want these words to be real for me and not just words. I Dream all the time, but I need to put the Dreams into some action so I can make them come true and they don't just fall to the waste side building up inside of me causing awful clutter...making it hard to breathe. I need to take my Dreams and make at least some of them a reality...bring them from the deep inside to the outside. I Dream big, which could be part of the problem. I Dream the impossible...but I need to start thinking that my Dreams are probable. Imagination is what I do best. I do Imagine in the active way, however my Imagination always takes me to a negative place. So I need to Imagine in the more positive way rather than letting it take me somewhere I don't want to be. When you Imagine, we should Imagine happiness not sadness or things that hurt or will hurt. Imagine good things that will make your heart glow and flutter. Real life has enough sadness and Imagine the happiest of all things. Inspire others and be Inspired. I have a desire for someone to be Inspired by me. I want to make a difference and make others feel good. But also like to be Inspired by others faith and confidence in themselves, which will hopefully give me the faith and confidence to believe in myself and in my Dreams so that I can Imagine happiness and Inspire others to do the same.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Just Friends

The word "Friends" can mean so many different things to so many different people. It's one of the words that can be said without any strings attached. If you say you are friends with someone, what does that really mean? The problem is there isn't any real rules on friendship, they are really limitless. It can be a great word though when you have a friend that you really hit it off with and the relationship is what both parties are looking for in a friend. For example, I have an aunt who is my best friend. She would do anything for me without even been asked and I for her. This is one type of friend and relationship. Then I have two best friends...they are married to one another. They also are the types of friends that I will talk to at least once a week and see at least every other week. They are the type of friends that would also do anything for me. We have friends from when we were children and never saw them again. There are friends we don't talk to for months on end, but when we do it is as if you haven't missed a day. Friend can be a very pleasant word and can bring amazing company and comfort. Until you come across the word "Friend" when it is put in place of girlfriend. This can be a tough one sometimes. You find that one who just makes you quiver all over from you lips to you hips and everywhere. The one when they say, "you are my friend" your heart breaks in two, not because they aren't friend worthy, but because friend isn't enough to fill the desire you have for them. But as people we accept less if that's what we need to do to keep someone special in your life. Being friends and know they are with another doing things with them that you wish they were doing with you-kissing, holding hands, making love, cuddling, talking all the time, sleeping next to one another, waking up in each other's arms, eating together, making plans for the future-makes the friends a sad word. Though we do what we have to do. Friends?...Friends?....Friends/...ok then Friends. But one must remind the other that they want to hear nothing absolutely nothing that is going on in the other relationship (not to be a bad friend, but the pain is too much). "If you love something let it go, If it comes back to you it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was." Well then let fate work it's magic hands, but while it does, I will be working on making some new "Friends".

Monday, October 24, 2011

Just a quote...

Me: Why do we always crave the things we shouldn't, why do we always want what we can't have and why do we always love the unrequited???

Heartbreak Hotel

Elvis Presley knew what he was doing when he put the words-heartbreak &hotel-together in a song. Sitting in a hotel room night after night all alone can really take a toll on someone's heart. It is much different than going to hotel for pleasure whether it be with friends, family or a special someone. Sometimes alone time is a good thing and we all need some alone time. But too much of something isn't always a good thing. Like Elvis sang, " (I get so) lonely baby, I get so lonely, I get so lonely, I could die". Seriously one could drive themselves completely insane sitting alone constantly. Also having to always be in a hotel week after week isn't that great for a love life either, once again Heartbreak Hotel. Right now I wish I were snuggling up with someone on the couch smiling at each other. Oh I know too mushy. Will my life of travel hinder me from finding someone to love me despite my hotel lifestyle. Will there be someone who can accept my travels as they are? Accept me as I am? I am not sure of all this. If it is not the traveling, it is the timing. If it's not the timing, it is another girl. If it's not another girl, it's just me. See sitting at the Heartbreak Hotel just gives one too much time to just think. Think about way too much stuff that one should not trouble themselves with. A king size bed waits for me tonight, but it will be empty. Maybe it's not just the Heartbreak Hotel that makes me feel this way. Maybe I have reached a point where I really just want to fall in love and be loved and have someone to lie next to me and hold my hand and kiss me every night before I sleep. Ahh...that sounds lovely. So instead of the Heartbreak Hotel, it would be a loving, hand holding, kissing sweet home.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Big Red Truck

When most of us think of the a Big Red Truck, we think of the one that goes roaring down the road with sirens and whistles racing to a fire. I used to think this way as well. But now to me The Big Red Truck is something even more (not saying that firetrucks are less important-because they save lives, homes, etc). When I was a little girl, I was pretty much all girl when it came to my toys. I had doll after doll, barbie and barbie, and played house pretty much everyday. I never owned any toy cars or trucks. So why now, why when I am in my mid 30s does a Big Red Truck get my heart going and my eyes open wide, just like I did when I was a kid and Santa brought me my first Cabbage Patch Kid. Ok so maybe it's not exactly The Big Red Truck itself, but what's in it. Inside this Big Red Truck is happiness. A happiness I have not felt in a very long time, maybe even since those times I used to wait up for Santa with the glow of Christmas lights reflecting in my room from the outside glow. Don't get me wrong, I am for the most part pretty happy, but this happiness was magic, like Santa. Every time I see any Big Truck, but heart does a little skip. But it's The Big Red One that really gets my heart a fluttering. Yesterday, The Big Red Truck took me for a ride. The actual ride in such a large vehicle was actually pretty exciting to see what a large monster could do. The laughter and fun inside was heart melting as well. It was kind of like a rerun of those Christmases so long ago. The glow in my heart, the fun in my soul, and the friend by my side. I cannot go back to those Christmases when I was a child and have those same experiences-unfortunately I grew up, just like I cannot have the magic within The Big Red Truck-because Santa gave that magic to someone else. But I still believe in Santa and believe that he will return the magic to me-maybe not the one in The Big Red Truck, but magic that will make me feel that blissful happiness I once did on those Christmas Eves long ago. The magic I felt not too long ago. The magic I felt  from a Big Red Truck.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Ross and Rachel Saga

Sitting here watching "Friends", and the whole Ross and Rachel saga is having some issues. It is the episode where Ross comes home from China with Julie. Rachel realizes just before how much she wants to be with Ross. However, it is just too late. I feel like Rachel right now. That for a split second of my life I had the chance with a man I could have spent the rest of my life with and that split second came and went so fast. To be truly honest maybe that moment never really existed. Maybe it's his nice way of saying "Sorry I am not interested". Because it just all happen so fast. I was with him one day and it seemed like the next he was off in love with someone else. It seems a little like Ross and Rachel. Ross said how much he was in love with Rachel, but the moment she realizes her feelings, He is gone and in love with another woman. Ross and Rachel continue to stay friends for years. How did they do this? Maybe because the show is called "Friends"...LOL. I really would like to be friends, but it is a little difficult to know how happy he is and the thought that maybe I was just a second best...or maybe 10th or 100th best..who knows. "Friends"...that's all I can have right now, but how do I stop that ache of knowing what else is going on? I don't know that is for sure. I know I need to begin to move on like Rachel did. She dated. I have a date this weekend with a very handsome man, but my insecurities are already starting to come out. He's too hot for me...He can be that into me. OMG this is insane. I need to just go and have fun and enjoy his company. I know. And as my Ross said never say never. So maybe just like Ross and Rachel a day will come that Julie will find a new love and my Ross will come back to me...most likely not. So I need to focus on a new Ross...hmmm. Who could be my new Ross...maybe I just need to forget about a Ross and focus on myself so when Ross does come into my life, I can be honest and be confident enough that I deserve him.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Stake in the heart...need a Band-Aid!

Last night I took a stake through the heart. I was told in a very nice way that the chance of my happily ever after with the man from my last post is about the same chance as I have to winning the lottery. But it is what is it and I cannot hold on to an almost. An almost means it is truly over. Last night I also walked into my best friends' house (husband and wife-who am closer to both of them just like we were all siblings). He is probably one of the closest guy friends I have ever had in my entire life. He's amazing to talk to and a great listener. Well last night after the stake had pierced my heart, I walked into their place trying to avoid eye contact with those I was with. But as I was standing in the kitchen, he (my "bro") came in and looked at me and saw "the blood dripping from my heart" and just hugged me so hard. I cried very hard and no one else really knew what was going on, but just let bro handle it. I thank him from the bottom of my heart for soaking up the "blood", "sweat", and tears. I have many woman in my life who are just as amazing and wonderful and ALWAYS there for me, but sometimes having that male view is just a little different. Trust me, he doesn't sugar coat anything. We took the conversation outside as the blood started to dry just a little from the terrible stab. He and I have some things in common, when it comes to broken hearts. Though broken hearts are out there, just like there are cars on the roads. But sometimes we don't looked passed the pain in our own hearts. The pain that makes it hard to breathe. Wow...only one month...was I in love? Sorry side tracked...I was writing in appreciation for a guy who put all is crap to the side to help his "sis" try to fill some of the voids within the chambers of her heart. To him.....THANK YOU!!! Though he was unable to completely heal the wound..that will take some time...he made me realize that I cannot drive the stake in and out and in and out. I need to take it out, wipe up the blood, and put a Band-Aid on it and let it begin to heal.

Monday, October 10, 2011

What almost was!!

Of all Birthdays, Harry Potter's happen to be a special one this year for me. Yes I know he doesn't exist but neither does the fantasy I almost had. The one I am about to share. Well the story begins on Harry Potter's 21st Birthday if you are like I and believe Harry continued to live. It was a beautiful Sunday and the travel blues have not yet set in. I arrived at the cafe to meet an unknown man. Someone I had just spoken to virtually, but was finally going to meet him in person. I sat on the big comfy sofa just waiting. Time kept ticking and our meeting time had past. "He's not coming" I thought to myself. I sat bouncing my legs in anxiousness waiting. About 15 minutes after the destined time, he showed up. I remember he was wearing shorts and a t-shirt (supporting the fight against cancer-must be a caring guy). It was a short visit, but nice at the same time. We said our goodbyes and had planned to see each other again. And so we did. Our next meet up was during the week, I snuck out for a lunch break to meet him. Once again short but sweet. I gave him a hug and he texted me and was so happy. We met again at the same place one night after work and it was amazing again. There was a storm coming and he said you better get out of here before it gets bad. He offered to sell me his house Our first night time date happened that following Friday night...where? Friday's of course. It was a great night. He talked to his son on the phone with a twinkle in his eyes...melted my heart. At this time, I was still saying that I wasn't ready for anything serious. Hey I had been so hurt in the past I was so scared. We hung out at our cars for quite some time...though he wasn't making me to happy busting on my team PSU, but hey it was all fun. We hugged again. We continued to talk and text a lot. I really enjoyed these times, so very much. But I never told him that I was starting to want more and not date other people. He came over to hang out with my friends and I and it was a fun and exciting time. My friends loved him so much that they both texted me immediately to say so. Foolish girl I am. We met up on a Sunday in Montgomeryville and went to some craft stores together. Yes!!! He did that for me. At lunch he ordered me a club soda with lemon, knowing that that is what I always ordered. I'm so stupid, I didn't believe that he could really liked me. I don't know why. That night he followed me home and we walked through the park hand in hand. I have NEVER done anything like that. We kissed that night for the first time and I got dizzy...not sure if I ever really felt that about someone prior to that, not like that anyway. It was magical. (Yes another Harry Potter reference.) I knew I was falling for him, but because I am me...I didn't tell him. I don't know why...I guess I thought if he did the fairytale would end. So we decided to spend a night together. I was so excited, a little nervous-only about disappointing him. I was in such bliss...that amazing place that books and movies say exist. It was perfection. After this...I started freaking out and insecure and started to loose everything (not that I had it, but the chance was gone too). I don't know why. I didn't feel that he wanted a relationship, not with me anyway. I am not saying that things would be different if I would have grown some guts and just told him how I felt, but I will never know now. Now he has a girlfriend, because that is what he wanted. He posted her on his facebook that he was in a relationship with _____________. If he only knew that over a month ago I wanted to change my status to say that I was in a relationship with him. Now that's not a possibility...and the world may never know if it could have been. I may have blown the best thing that has happen to me, but I surely have learned my lesson the hard way. Well to end...I will go back to where it all started with Harry Potter...a time turner would be a great gift to appear upon my pillow one day.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

A Victim of My Own Imagination

Daydreaming some may call it when one goes off in another world in their mind to create wonderful and glorious stories. I enjoy this so much. I have complete control over what happens in the world. It's my world...I make all the decisions for all characters participating in the story. No one or anything can hurt me. One fantasy I like to go off into is winning the lottery (doesn't almost everyone) and how I can do so much for those I love and build my dream house---than my imagination ruins it and says...." do you not know that the chances of that are so slim...NOT LIKELY. UGH...victimized.  I sometimes will dream that Oprah or Ellen would send help out to help me build my dream house and write a letter of reference to my dream job. But then again my imagination goes sour and aren't special enough for that. Victimized. I also like to daydream that I am swept off my feet by the man of my dreams and we spend many months in full bliss. He would fall madly in love with me and I with him. Then I imagine how he would propose and how romantic it would be and sweet. Then what our wedding and future would be like. Most of the time the part of my dream man is is played by a shadow-no one in the real world, but sometimes I do bring a real one into my fantasy. It's amazing for a while, but then I let the bad thoughts come in, because this is a real person, with real feelings and real actions and well he wouldn't follow my fantasy the way I create it. Not that he should, but in my fantasies I have no doubts at all. No doubt he would ever walk away from me. It's so safe there. I can't let anyone down or do anything stupid or let my insecurities push him away, but when I come back to the real world...I become victimized by thoughts that I will not be able to truly hold the love of another. But when you've never done something in the real world...not even once it's hard to believe that you could. Being a victim of something that can't be punished or taken away, but by something that is always with you is very hard. So how does one get rid of these sad thoughts of herself and just say...." The fantasy is waiting to join you in the real world." Sweet dreams....sweet thoughts...I am going to visit fantasy land and bring at least one sweet thought and feeling with me.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Curve Ball

Just when I thought things were going to change....the pitcher threw a curve ball. Sometimes I think I would rather just be hit by the ball and advance to first base. This curve ball had  to come at such a bad inning. Things were looking good for the rest of the year. Still having to practice hard to win for the team, but now gotta play on two teams. So frustrated!!!! When one is spread so thin both teams will begin to suffer. I am not so happy about all of this and have been crying on and off for the last 2 hours. I am totally stressed out and unhappy. I know, I know, " There's no crying in baseball", but you want to know something? This really isn't about baseball. Curve balls come at us from all over and in all parts of our lives. But I am going to shine up my bat and hit a gosh darn GRAND SLAM!!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Angel are you there?

Tonight I am writing to my angel.
Dear Angel, Please open your wings tomorrow morning and sit be the one you know who will be going through a tough time. Sit with her and be there for her and make sure she's ok. She needs you tomorrow really badly so look over her the whole time, please. You could bring some of your friends as well. The more the better. Thank you. On another note, I think about you every day many times a day. I ate dinner with daddy tonight. It was nice...he seemed a little happy today. Sometimes I don't know what to do with him. I did try setting him up (never to replace you...please never think that, because NO ONE ever could) he is just so lonely. I don't like seeing him like that. I have another lady I thought about setting him up with, but don't want to have her not talk to him too and hurt him. Anyway I just wanted to express these feelings to you. I feel guilty about wanting daddy to find a companion, but I can't be everything for him. I am trying to live my life..that's a little hard too. Well I just wanted to say that I was thinking about you and wanted to ask you that little favor. Sweet dreams. Love Me.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Losing control to the demons

It's been a long time since I last wrote. I believe way too long. This was supposed to be a way for me to get the crazies out of my head and well I have been letting them control my heart and soul. The demons are beginning to win and I am not sure how to stop them. I have been very stressed for quite sometime and just keep pushing things out of my mind...good right? Wrong!! They all just come rushing back to me at once. As I said in my last post, I feel half empty because I keep going and going and going and haven't moved at all. I just sit back and continue to wait and wait for my life to start and I have watched (at least) the past 12 years since college graduation just pass me by. It feels like yesterday, but over a decade has passed. Missing out on this time and not trying to make some of my dreams come true, not being afraid to take chances, and furthering my education just hurts so much. I look at others and see that they are so much further in their lives and 10-15 years younger than me. It hurts because I never could believe in myself enough to do those things. I don't really know why I have these demons that continue to hold me back, but I do and now time has just slipped away from me. Time that I can never ever get back. If only I had a time machine, or a DeLorean that travels back in time, or a time turner, but those are fantasies until they end up on my door step. Don't get me wrong, i am a very lucky person for having people in my life who love me and would do anything, especially my aunt (best friend), but I still am missing a big part and I don't know what that is. I have been looking, but I can't find it. I think the demon crazies just win every time. So for right now I am just so angry with myself and very frustrated for just letting so much time pass and I am not sure how to get over it or work it out. I'm sad truly sad right now for letting myself get to this point. I am the only one who can control my choices and yet I never seem to make the ones that will make me truly happy and get closer to the dreams I have had and where I would really like to be in my life. May I get a little closer soon.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Half Empty

I have absolutely no idea, not when it comes to myself anyway. Thirty-five years ago I was given a life. A life full of opportunity and love. I was very fortunate in the life I was given. I had constant and unconditional love. I was given opportunities that others dream of having, so why then I ask..."Why am I so lost and unhappy?" I just don't know. I feel that my life is passing me by and I am not taking advantage of anything. I am just floating by missing out. Every day I get a little older...I have more days that I have been alive. More days that I have been given to do something with, but I haven't done too much with them...ok I have done something, but I don't feel as if I am living my life to it's fullest. I feel half empty. I need more out of life. I don't want to sound selfish or anything, but I do. I want as much as I can. I think that there is so much I want that I can't focus and I get overwhelmed with everything that is out there. Wait maybe that is not such a bad thing. I mean I am only half full so I have lots of room for all of it, right? Alrighty then, I am going to start filling up. Where to start....any thoughts...crap I am lost again!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Escaping to Ecstasy

Ecstasy, according to Merriam-Webster, means "An overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement." So wouldn't we all like to escape to this place. This place full of joy and happiness. So we ask ourselves, "Where is this joyous place of bliss and complete contentment?" Well there isn't just one right answer. To each of us this place will be a different destination. It will require a different travel itinerary. These destinations are completely endless. They may be attainable at the place you stand right now. They may require thousands of miles of travel. The destination may require a minute of time to reach or a lifetime of trial and error. Ecstasy is happiness, if only for just a moment, without any glitches or roadblocks. There isn't any construction in the place of Ecstasy. So where is your Ecstasy? For me it is forever changing. I find that my Ecstasy Escape Destination changes at a crazy rate. Sometimes it is one destination, other times it's another. However, today it is clear. I can paint the picture of my Ecstasy today. Today I feel myself sitting peacefully alone on an island with the sun shining down on me. The only sound is that of the ocean beating against the sand like a steady peaceful heartbeat. The weather is a perfection of blue skies, solid sunshine and temperatures of the utmost comfort. My entire being is more relaxed than ever before with nothing on my mind, but true and compete happiness. My mind is quiet and on a true vacation. There are absolutely no decisions to be made, because the things I need and want just appear beside me before I have to think about wanting or needing them. They are met way in advance. Wow what a beautiful day of true bliss! What a day of Ecstasy!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Got the Blues Down South

Traveling for work again and just really feeling down. I am not sure why to be completely honest. Let's see I have a great family, with an aunt who would do anything for me and friends who would be there for me no matter what. My dad loves me more than anything. I live in a nice house with good food and a warm bed. I have a pretty reliable car and well I have a good job with benefits and job security (not the pay I long for but it's ok). I think I am totally burnt out at my job. I "criticize" people for a living. I give them nice feedback too and I do it for a good cause, but it's very hard on me emotionally. I have tried and tried to expand my horizons, but I am going nowhere. I would seriously like to find a job that really makes me happy, though I love my company and the people surround me there, but do not enjoy the job I perform-at all. Then my love life...well what love life. I think I have absolutely nothing to give anymore. I thnk my heart is seriously broken and there is a part of me that hates him for doing it to me. Then another small part that still loves him. WHAT THE HECK?  Maybe it is just one of those things that is irreplacable and I won't be able to let myself fall again. After over a year, my heart still hurts and I feel so betrayed and I just don't know how to get the ugly images of him and her out of my mind...I feel sick...Hey maybe a nanny job will come up that full time that pays more than I make now and it's for a successful, attractive, sweet single dad looking for me...oh I probably still wouldn't feel nothing. The butterflies have flown away...I seriously hope that one day I can feel that again.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

First Class Counseling

Last night I had some real First Class counseling. Here I was sitting in First Class on my way to Atlanta. However, Atlanta decided to postpone our arrival due to it's spiralling winds and threats of tornadoes. Hmm sounds like my head, it's twirling and whirling and whirling and twirling. So that's what it is! I have a tornado in my mind. Well as we sat out on the tarmac, as I like to call it "time-out", the First Class cabin started to chat, a little at first, but then as the minutes and hours began to tick away, conversation became very interesting especially with an amazing flight attendant, which are hard to come by these days. There was match making going on---air look out! There were drinks being drunk, between all the first class passengers probably a few gallons (wow, those people could drink). Introductions were being made. Business cards were being exchange and then came the counseling. Somehow I became the topic of conversation. What is this High Schooler doing up in First Class? Well I happily explained that I am way past my High School days. They all became very interested in what I did, seeing as I wasn't your typical Platinum member or business traveler. My job is very different than most of the company I had last night. I work with children-not a big travel industry. Anyway, it came up that I would really like to try something new, but very confused and then I was bombarded. These two man, John and Michael, just kept drilling me with questions. They kept trying to get me to find a path that would make me happy. Their questions were different then most of the questions I get. They really made me think...a little differently then usually. Michael kept telling me..."think outside your degree, think outside the box...If a Philosophy major can become a secret agent...anything is possible". He also said, "You can't keep doing the same thing everyday and expect different results. ... ". That was a powerful statement for me...because it is so true. Then John, kept saying all these great things about me and that he sees what a passionate person I am and that I am good with people. Here I was with two First Class strangers and they are building me up to something I have never felt before...something amazing. There words of wisdom and generosity was a First Class act. It was a great counseling session for me. I hope these words and feelings don't blow away from the tornado that still spins inside. First Class advice from First Class people, sitting in First Class...makes me feel First Class.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Digital Destiny

Digital Destiny or otherwise known as online dating. Wow! Can you believe that you can write a few words, click a few buttons, sometimes pay a small fee and you have yourself a catalog of possible mates. Not only are there mates after mates, but there are sites after sites. That's a lot of mates. Back in the day before online dating and the Internet, the amount of mates for choosing was much more limited. There were the boys/girls down the street. There were the boys/girls you went to school. with. There were the ones you met at the bar or poetry class. But now, the pool of mates has stretched the world. Now that we have the endless amount of choices, have we increased our chances of meeting our destiny mate? With the world at our fingertips, are we more likely to find the "one and only"? In thinking about this, the common answer would be, "of course". Having more choices and more opportunities the more likely to find what you are looking for. Right? However, on the other hand, what if having so many choices and so many opportunities causes us to pass right over the "one and only". While looking for the perfect mate, with the right look, the right income, the right family values, the right all, we get so comfortable with passing by someone because there are so many more to choose from. Are we too quick to say "no", knowing that the pool is full of much more fishes than in the past. We could have "closed" or "deleted" a match without even considering that he/she might just be the one. When you have more choices, do we become more picky in what we are looking for. Are we looking for something too perfect? Don't we deserve to have exactly what we want? But what if perfect doesn't exist, no matter how many choices you have? Who really chooses your destiny? Is it up to the power of technology or does it truly come down to the most powerful antique instrument of all...your heart?

Monday, February 7, 2011

35 and Still Young at Heart!

Being a "Kid at Heart" could mean different things to different people. It could mean someone enjoys playing with children. It could mean someone likes child-like television or child-like games. It could mean they still play like a child or collect child-like toys or collectibles. It could just mean that someone is immature. Besides the latter of them (I hope not in a bad way anyway.), I happen to fit all these molds, so that means I must truly be a "Kid at Heart"-"Young at Heart". My career path has always been working with children. From being a PK teacher, to being a nanny to working for one of the best child care providers in the Nation, my careers have had a requirement of liking to work with children. I do. I really do. Children are so fun and exciting. Yes they can be tiring sometimes, but they are real. More real and true than adults. They are innocent and tell you how it really is. And when they tell you they love you, they really do. I enjoy playing with them and talking to them and love to hear the very interesting stories they tell. Of course sometimes they are very hard to understand, just makes it so much more fun. Then comes the child-like TV/Movies. OMG...One of my favorite movies of all times is The Corpse Bride and Beauty and the Beast. I also love any movie with a Cinderella theme. I still love The Flintstones and anything Disney. When a vacation comes around...Disney World  is my favorite place...though I must have my favorite aunt with me. It's just not the same without her. There are many other child-like movies I love as well. For example: The Game Plan, Enchantment, and all Christmas Movies. Games...I love games. It always fun to play like a kid. I love to forget that I am an the appropriate times of course...and let my inner child come roaring out. Just the other day, I celebrated my 35th birthday. To celebrate my birthday, I had my closest friends over for a "sleepover". It was great! We made a really cool fort. We made and ate yummy pizza. We also took some graham crackers, icing, and lots of different candies and made cool houses. We spent a lot of time on these to make them perfect. We had ice your own cupcakes as well. There was a cotton candy maker and easy bake oven ready for use, but the sweets were already getting to us. However, they will be used in the near future. We wore our PJs and even did our hair in a youthful way. Yes we had a blast acting like kids again and can you believe we did it ALL without the use of alcohol. Some may think this is dorky or whatever, but we didn't care. We had fun and remembered what it was like to be young and innocent. It's important to do these things sometimes so we don't forget that innocent and amazing feeling you have when you are a child. It's like Christmas. What's more exciting and magical believing or not? (Can refer to post below: Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Clause from December 13, 2010 for more information on this matter.) Now collecting toys or child-like items has become a passion of mine as well. I still have things from when I was five. I still have my Strawberry Shortcake dolls, all my Barbie dolls, and yes of course Cabbage Patch Kids. I keep them all. I have every doll that my parents gave me since I was a baby. I love dolls. (I was a typical girl.) I still collect dolls, though the dolls I collect now are not really playing dolls, but collectibles. Many think the things I save are junk or consider me a pack rat. I believe I am keeping my childhood alive in my heart. I will forever and ever hold this dear and near to my heart. So think about keeping your childhood alive and your heart young and next time you see a puddle jump in it.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Weight of the World

The Earth weighs about 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds. I will be honest I don't even know how to say that number. It is probably one of those child made up words that we used to say. Oh, I want to have a bagillzon children. I want to have a thousand gazillion bazillion dollars. Man were creative back then. Well enough reminiscing. I feel as though I have the weight on my shoulders, but truth of the matters is I have less then probably 20 lbs actually on top of my shoulders, but my chest feels as if if a mack truck is stopping to do a Chinese fire drill on top of my chest. Great timing, huh? I have always had a lot of thoughts going on in my mind, more than I can count, because they are just so freaken' jittery. They are everywhere: here and there, oh and over there, some back here and a few deep down. Get the picture everywhere. I know that these are not ever close to the extent of holding 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds on my shoulders or even probably 1/10 of what some people in third world countries, or homeless people, or abused people, or those loosing their lives or loved ones, those struggling every day to just get up and make it throughout the day. No I am not here, I am not, but the weight is still extreme and I don't know how to put my mind on a diet so my heart is so overload with that terrible little word called stress. Stress is a multiplying thing. It just keeps growing and growing-yes kind of like an embryo, but it certainly is not growing into a living thing-so I hope not anyway. (Side note:that would make a good SciFi flick.) I feel everything that is around me and take it all in and feel. I feel it all. I just can't stop my mind from continuing to think about everything. For example work: love my job, but want to do more with my life, but love the people I work with don't want to leave, but I want to be with children, I want to cook, but I need health insurance. I want to make a difference at my company, but the lack of confidence and recognition has gotten me down, then guilt for wanting recognition, it's not Kindergarten. I want to learn to cook, but when, with money. Would I even be motivated? I started taking a self pass course for some credits. Loved starting it, very hard to find time. This is always there. There's a book my aunt has asked me to read for a month. I want to read it truly I do, but when with what motivation. I would love to be able to afford to buy my own home, but do I start out really small, or wait til I can afford my dream. Can afford it anyway? What if I lose my job-no job is that secure? Would I be able to do it? Do I really want to live all by myself. My aunt is the coolest in the whole world and I have lived with her for 6 years, could I leave? Not sure about that. I love it here (OK my Nana can drive me batty). Speaking of my aunt I stress out for her and all she goes through. Stress for my dad-great more weight. My daddy, I was his little girl and sometimes still treats me like one. Can't always give him the proper attention-STRESS. More weight and more weight keeps adding on. I may not be at 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lbs, but man, when I take a deep breath and the tightness feels like a sumo wrestler just sat on me, I know that's not good. And though a lot of the things above aren't that bad-really individually-oh and boy are their more and more and more. My synapses, must fire 100 times faster than normal. I feel sometimes as if I had a double chocolate ice cream float in a red bull followed my a monster. (No worries-never did this). I have no will power to rid all these crazy thoughts or the will power to try yoga or meditation-I hear these things are great. Oh I have thought about it, bought DVDs-oh yeah the whole 9 yards. Follow through is very hard for me, I don't like making decisions. So I just float, oh I can't float I am too heavy, I meant sink. (little voice 76: Stop all the yaking no one is listening) (little voice 101: Sherri, shhhh relax.) (little voice 25: Make up YOUR MIND!) (little voice 225: Sweet Dreams and goodnight sweet darling)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Best Classroom is LIFE!

Our first day of kindergarten is a memorable one. We go out to the store and buy new pencils, new crayons, new notebooks, erasers and a backpack to hold all of these items. We go out and get the best new outfit to wear on that first day. For me, I had to wear the cutest little dress with my saddle shoes and frilly socks. Oh those were the days. Then comes our first day of Junior High which is another big milestone. Same things to buy, however no more saddle shoes or backpacks, but high tops and a shoulder bag. Sleep the night before this day does not occur. So pink eyes and all it's off to Junior High. Then it's High School. Too cool for any of these things, been there done that. College another place full of classrooms and first days. The first day of college is very similar to the first day of Kindergarten-exciting and stressful all at the same time. Throughout these years in classroom after classroom and teacher after teacher and professor after professor there is a lot learned. We learn about literature, grammar, mathematics, science (all of it), social studies, and so much more. We learn the things we need to know to pursue our career of choice. So yes the traditional classroom offers a great deal of knowledge. These are all great and necessary, but the one classroom we cannot live without is the classroom of Life. The lessons learned in life are so meaningful and long-lasting. What do we learn in life? We learn  the difference between right and wrong-no matter how we learn it or what we do with this information. We learn about feelings and what it feels like to feel. We have our first splinter and feel pain. We have our first heartbreak and feel another kind of pain. We have a birthday party and feel special. We wait up all night for Santa and feel excitement. We have our first kiss and feel butterflies. We learn to feel fear after watching our first horror movie. We learn to feel sad when we loose our first pet. We learn to feel disappointment after studying all night for a test and only getting a 'B'. The classroom of life teaches how to relate to one another, whether we decide to do this in a positive or negative way. We learn to love one another. Unfortunately, we also learn to hate. Life teaches us that we have choices, many many choices. Some are easy, some are hard. Oh wait a minute, every decision is hard for me. Sometimes I don't even know what underwear to wear. The classroom of life is everlasting. It's endless. It doesn't have four walls. It doesn't have desks in rows facing the same direction. It gives the learner the freedom to move around and explore. These lessons can teach the traditional classrooms a little something. I have always been a lover of learning, a real life-long learner. I want to learn about everything. So, maybe instead of just thinking about how I can get into a traditional classroom or have the time to sit in a traditional classroom to explore all these interests, I need to just learn these things through life's free classroom and not be afraid to explore the whole thing.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The MANY paths not taken...

There are different paths we all choose to take. We may take the path to raising a family. We may take the one that takes us to College. The path towards our successful career may be the striving path we take. We may just take the path towards a life at the beach. Some may take the path to destruction. Paths can get very confusing. There are so many and they go in so many directions. Some can even take you in circles or on a long journey to nowhere. It's crazy these paths are. Then once a path is chosen another infinite number of paths just appear. Now what? Oh man I have to choose another path. Paths are what makes life just a little more interesting though. Don't they? Though sometimes I like to think that if there was just one straight narrow path to choose, then I would be certain it was the right path, because it's the only one. But it's not that way, so we think to ourselves, What path do I want to take? So we  think of our dreams and what we want and figure out what path will lead us there. That's it. Well, I have thought about that quite a lot, so much in fact I think it has driven me a little crazy. I think I got off the paths some how and landed on some psycho merry go round that goes round and round and round. It never stops long enough for me to get off.  I think I feel a little dizzy. I think what my problem may be is that I have so many dreams and each dream requires a different path. I can never decide which one I want more. Which one is a more appealing path with the least amount of road construction? I don't know. I like them all. I want them all. But if they require different paths, which could be long paths, how do I do all of them. How can I be on more than one path at the same time while trying to make a living, oh and sleep? These dreams are important to me, but I have been so confused on which path I want to follow that I have just stopped and am waiting for the answer to appear. However, while I wait, time isn't stopping for me. It keeps going and going. On another note though, I did take the college path which was one of the best decisions ever. But why can't all my dreams be reachable by just one path? Why do I have to choose? And if I don't have to then how do I do it all? How do I follow all the paths? Some of the paths may close soon and then that dream is finished. I like dreaming about the amazing things we can do. It's over whelming, so over whelming that I am stuck. Stuck in the middle of many paths on a merry go round:  an endless ride. I need to stop this ride and make a decision, but it's these decisions that scare me. I guess I feel if I don't choose any, I don't have to give up any of the others and can still dream about them. Well may the ride at least slow down so that my head can stop spinning so my brain can focus. Who knew taking a path could be so complicated? If only there were GPSs for the destination of dreams. One more thought to end the night: Whatever path taken, just remember there is always a detour.