Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Earth weighs about 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds. I will be honest I don't even know how to say that number. It is probably one of those child made up words that we used to say. Oh, I want to have a bagillzon children. I want to have a thousand gazillion bazillion dollars. Man were creative back then. Well enough reminiscing. I feel as though I have the weight on my shoulders, but truth of the matters is I have less then probably 20 lbs actually on top of my shoulders, but my chest feels as if if a mack truck is stopping to do a Chinese fire drill on top of my chest. Great timing, huh? I have always had a lot of thoughts going on in my mind, more than I can count, because they are just so freaken' jittery. They are everywhere: here and there, oh and over there, some back here and a few deep down. Get the picture everywhere. I know that these are not ever close to the extent of holding 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds on my shoulders or even probably 1/10 of what some people in third world countries, or homeless people, or abused people, or those loosing their lives or loved ones, those struggling every day to just get up and make it throughout the day. No I am not here, I am not, but the weight is still extreme and I don't know how to put my mind on a diet so my heart is so overload with that terrible little word called stress. Stress is a multiplying thing. It just keeps growing and growing-yes kind of like an embryo, but it certainly is not growing into a living thing-so I hope not anyway. (Side note:that would make a good SciFi flick.) I feel everything that is around me and take it all in and feel. I feel it all. I just can't stop my mind from continuing to think about everything. For example work: love my job, but want to do more with my life, but love the people I work with don't want to leave, but I want to be with children, I want to cook, but I need health insurance. I want to make a difference at my company, but the lack of confidence and recognition has gotten me down, then guilt for wanting recognition, it's not Kindergarten. I want to learn to cook, but when, with money. Would I even be motivated? I started taking a self pass course for some credits. Loved starting it, very hard to find time. This is always there. There's a book my aunt has asked me to read for a month. I want to read it truly I do, but when with what motivation. I would love to be able to afford to buy my own home, but do I start out really small, or wait til I can afford my dream. Can afford it anyway? What if I lose my job-no job is that secure? Would I be able to do it? Do I really want to live all by myself. My aunt is the coolest in the whole world and I have lived with her for 6 years, could I leave? Not sure about that. I love it here (OK my Nana can drive me batty). Speaking of my aunt I stress out for her and all she goes through. Stress for my dad-great more weight. My daddy, I was his little girl and sometimes still treats me like one. Can't always give him the proper attention-STRESS. More weight and more weight keeps adding on. I may not be at 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lbs, but man, when I take a deep breath and the tightness feels like a sumo wrestler just sat on me, I know that's not good. And though a lot of the things above aren't that bad-really individually-oh and boy are their more and more and more. My synapses, must fire 100 times faster than normal. I feel sometimes as if I had a double chocolate ice cream float in a red bull followed my a monster. (No worries-never did this). I have no will power to rid all these crazy thoughts or the will power to try yoga or meditation-I hear these things are great. Oh I have thought about it, bought DVDs-oh yeah the whole 9 yards. Follow through is very hard for me, I don't like making decisions. So I just float, oh I can't float I am too heavy, I meant sink. (little voice 76: Stop all the yaking no one is listening) (little voice 101: Sherri, shhhh relax.) (little voice 25: Make up YOUR MIND!) (little voice 225: Sweet Dreams and goodnight sweet darling)
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Our first day of kindergarten is a memorable one. We go out to the store and buy new pencils, new crayons, new notebooks, erasers and a backpack to hold all of these items. We go out and get the best new outfit to wear on that first day. For me, I had to wear the cutest little dress with my saddle shoes and frilly socks. Oh those were the days. Then comes our first day of Junior High which is another big milestone. Same things to buy, however no more saddle shoes or backpacks, but high tops and a shoulder bag. Sleep the night before this day does not occur. So pink eyes and all it's off to Junior High. Then it's High School. Too cool for any of these things, been there done that. College another place full of classrooms and first days. The first day of college is very similar to the first day of Kindergarten-exciting and stressful all at the same time. Throughout these years in classroom after classroom and teacher after teacher and professor after professor there is a lot learned. We learn about literature, grammar, mathematics, science (all of it), social studies, and so much more. We learn the things we need to know to pursue our career of choice. So yes the traditional classroom offers a great deal of knowledge. These are all great and necessary, but the one classroom we cannot live without is the classroom of Life. The lessons learned in life are so meaningful and long-lasting. What do we learn in life? We learn the difference between right and wrong-no matter how we learn it or what we do with this information. We learn about feelings and what it feels like to feel. We have our first splinter and feel pain. We have our first heartbreak and feel another kind of pain. We have a birthday party and feel special. We wait up all night for Santa and feel excitement. We have our first kiss and feel butterflies. We learn to feel fear after watching our first horror movie. We learn to feel sad when we loose our first pet. We learn to feel disappointment after studying all night for a test and only getting a 'B'. The classroom of life teaches how to relate to one another, whether we decide to do this in a positive or negative way. We learn to love one another. Unfortunately, we also learn to hate. Life teaches us that we have choices, many many choices. Some are easy, some are hard. Oh wait a minute, every decision is hard for me. Sometimes I don't even know what underwear to wear. The classroom of life is everlasting. It's endless. It doesn't have four walls. It doesn't have desks in rows facing the same direction. It gives the learner the freedom to move around and explore. These lessons can teach the traditional classrooms a little something. I have always been a lover of learning, a real life-long learner. I want to learn about everything. So, maybe instead of just thinking about how I can get into a traditional classroom or have the time to sit in a traditional classroom to explore all these interests, I need to just learn these things through life's free classroom and not be afraid to explore the whole thing.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
There are different paths we all choose to take. We may take the path to raising a family. We may take the one that takes us to College. The path towards our successful career may be the striving path we take. We may just take the path towards a life at the beach. Some may take the path to destruction. Paths can get very confusing. There are so many and they go in so many directions. Some can even take you in circles or on a long journey to nowhere. It's crazy these paths are. Then once a path is chosen another infinite number of paths just appear. Now what? Oh man I have to choose another path. Paths are what makes life just a little more interesting though. Don't they? Though sometimes I like to think that if there was just one straight narrow path to choose, then I would be certain it was the right path, because it's the only one. But it's not that way, so we think to ourselves, What path do I want to take? So we think of our dreams and what we want and figure out what path will lead us there. That's it. Well, I have thought about that quite a lot, so much in fact I think it has driven me a little crazy. I think I got off the paths some how and landed on some psycho merry go round that goes round and round and round. It never stops long enough for me to get off. I think I feel a little dizzy. I think what my problem may be is that I have so many dreams and each dream requires a different path. I can never decide which one I want more. Which one is a more appealing path with the least amount of road construction? I don't know. I like them all. I want them all. But if they require different paths, which could be long paths, how do I do all of them. How can I be on more than one path at the same time while trying to make a living, oh and sleep? These dreams are important to me, but I have been so confused on which path I want to follow that I have just stopped and am waiting for the answer to appear. However, while I wait, time isn't stopping for me. It keeps going and going. On another note though, I did take the college path which was one of the best decisions ever. But why can't all my dreams be reachable by just one path? Why do I have to choose? And if I don't have to then how do I do it all? How do I follow all the paths? Some of the paths may close soon and then that dream is finished. I like dreaming about the amazing things we can do. It's over whelming, so over whelming that I am stuck. Stuck in the middle of many paths on a merry go round: an endless ride. I need to stop this ride and make a decision, but it's these decisions that scare me. I guess I feel if I don't choose any, I don't have to give up any of the others and can still dream about them. Well may the ride at least slow down so that my head can stop spinning so my brain can focus. Who knew taking a path could be so complicated? If only there were GPSs for the destination of dreams. One more thought to end the night: Whatever path taken, just remember there is always a detour.