Saturday, October 13, 2012

Danger Zone

I am officially in the danger zone. Just thinking of him makes my heart ache so much. The memories that were made were so special and amazing and knowing they have officially come to...oh the word is so hard to say, but yes I believe they have come to an end. The Perfect Daddy was not just a Perfect Daddy, but someone who I truly believed was perfect for me. The only problem is that I wasn't perfect for him. Though some of the moments really made me believe that I might just have been able to be. He was tender and sweet and movie kissed me. He kissed me with so much passion (well that's what I truly thought it was). I was taken into another realm. A realm that had so much happiness that I could barely breathe. My eyes were blinded by the fireworks. One time he actually made a firework movement with his hands. Yes, It was all just too amazing and wonderful. More than I could have ever created in my own little vivid imagination. And let me tell you that my imagination could have created a scenario that would make Cinderella's story seem lame. It was magical. It made me believe in all those storybook lines....Once upon a time....true love...butterflies and fireworks...magic.. love potions...fantasies....real life fairy tales...and they lived happily ever after. Well though I was wrong and am left broken hearted I can't stop believing that these all really do exist. I will never settle. Maybe that makes me selfish I don't know, but I know what it feels like to believe in true love and have butterflies and see fireworks and now I am tainted and cannot fall in love without them. So I will let myself be sad for just a little, then I will put belief in all that is possible, the magic and all. No matter what anyone tells me or tries to steer me in another direction. I will wait for the real thing. I will wait for my own fairy tale, even if it takes me my entire lifetime to find it. Find the two-way magic love.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Repeat Offender

We all make mistakes, sometimes day in and day out. There are the mistakes that we take and we actually learn from them and therefore never to make the same mistake again. Once in a while though, there is that one mistake that is probably the mistake that should be teaching us the biggest lesson of our lives, but what do we do? For some reason, this is the ONE mistake that we just can't seem to stop making. It's the one that just continues to bite us in the a** every single time. And every single time we say to ourselves, "I will not do this again". But when we get into the same type of situation, the mistake just creeps up on us, takes us by surprise and knocks us down once again. We all have different mistakes me make and ones that we just can't seem to learn from. Mine as you may know from previous posts, comes from the heart. My heart just keeps falling and falling and just can't stop. "Take is slow" and "don't fall this time", my mind will say. But my damn heart is so stubborn and for some reason cannot listen. Then when my heart is lost in its on little love song (alone by the way), my mind says "at least relax, back off and don't say anything stupid". Every time I say I am not going to do this, but with today's easy access to words, I do it EVERY single time. I say or do something so insecure and scare them away faster than Freddie Krueger scares dreamers. Not that these relationships would have worked out anyway or anything, but maybe if just once, I could seriously just relax and stop letting the worst get the best of me. It's hard though, really hard. You know maybe the butterflies are really poisonous rather than amazing. Maybe they should be swatted away rather than welcomed. Ummmm....something to think about it. We shouldn't live in regret because at one time it is exactly what we wanted, but you know sometimes we do things that we just want to turn back the clock and try just one more time. The worst part of it all is that we are stuck alone with these memories. These memories that once made our hearts skip a beat and take us to the happiest place on earth (aside from Disney). These memories hurt, because we are stuck realizing that we can't get these back or relive them again. I admit! I am a repeat offender once again for letting my emotions speak out of turn.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Not Knowing Gives Hope

You know the old phrase "no news is good news". Sometimes that can really be true, because if there isn't any news then we can still have hope that the news will be in our favor. For example, you go for a job interview for a 'dream' job and you haven't heard any news yet. You can still have hope that the job is yours and that you will be able to finally do something you love for the money you want. Once the news comes, then hoping is all over. Either you got the job and you can be happy with the news or you get the bad news and have to move on from that dream and look towards something else. This can be really hard to do. Moving on from something you finally found that just seems to fit is hard and when it's right there in front of you, flaunted like a steak in front of a hungry lion, makes it even harder. So without the news, there is still hope. Hope is a very special thing. It gives us the ability to dream that something amazing will happen. Fantasy can still exist. Sometimes when the news gets here, the hoping, dreaming and fantasizing must cease. This is not always fun. So people ask me sometimes why I am not always open with my feelings well it's because I don't want the news. I don't want to lose the hope, dreams, and fantasies. Yes, I know that may not be the best way to live life. But I love dreaming, fantasizing and hoping for the ultimate fairy tale. So sometime the not knowing continues to gives us hope. Some may think it is just lying to ourselves. No I don't think that relationships or life should be based on lies or do I like being lied to by another, but this is me not going for the truth and therefore: I say what's worse a "lie that draws a smile or a truth that draws a tear".

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Cherished Hugs

I have been traveling for almost 5 years now and have been in and out of airport after airport. Each airport has its unique set up, from how they set up gates and terminals. They vary in the number of gates and terminals they have, ranging from many like Atlanta and not so many like Jacksonville. Each one has its own unique hustle and bustle as well, or some the lack of. However, one thing I notice every airport I've been in from the Atlantic to the Pacific are the hugs that occur when passengers are saying a sad "goodbye" or an excited "hello" or a combination of these. I see anxious people waiting for that welcomed visitor about to arrive and the look in their face when the person they have been anxiously waiting for, finally arrives. Then you see parents sending off their child, maybe for the first time, off on their own to somewhere, probably more exciting then home. The hugs that are exchanged are real, but simple. Their tearful goodbye can be just a little heartbreaking, even without knowing them at all. Then there's the little kid waiting for grandma and grandpa and jumping up and down like a frog on speed. It's just so amazing to see. Ok so sometimes, I see these scenarios and well put my own voice over as to what is really going on. I don't know these people or anything or really know what's going on, but there's a little bit of thrill and life in just imagining and creating what just might be going on. Though there have been many hug waiting groups awaiting some one's return or arrival and scenarios made up by yours truly, there's one that stands out but far. I was arriving in Columbus OH and when I stepped off the Jetway, there were about 20 people with American Flags, flowers, balloons, and signs saying "Welcome Home". I wasn't trying to be nosey or anything but had to wait and see. Here a military man came off the plan and this "party" erupted into cheers and happy tears. I sat back quietly and cried. How can you not? A man risked his life for our country and his family had to part. To see him come home to his family and joy and relief in their eyes was just incredible to see. The hugs were true passion and love. It just makes you think how simple a hug can be, but can be so cherished. Someone doesn't need to leave on a jet plane to deserve a hug. I remember the last time I hugged my mom and even though I hugged her the last time I saw her, I would do anything to hug her just one more time!! Though I do dream about her and hug her there, but it's just not quite the same, but I will take this over nothing. You can't hug enough!! Hug every day! A hug can turn a frown into a smile and a tear into a dimple.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Big Red Truck ties the knot....

Tonight, I found out that my one crush (The Big Red Truck as I referred to him in previous posts) tied the knot with his one true love and though I do am really happy for him and wish him all the happiness forever...Seeing the words and the forever kiss struck my heart with an arrow and not one from cupid. Actually, I think cupid likes to play dirty tricks on me. He likes to shoot me ONLY when the timing is the timing with The Big Red Truck and when the guy won't be interested as in the Model, Unattainable Prince Charming and  The Perfect Daddy. But when a guy is interest, the arrows miss me somehow and I just don't get it. Well back to The Big Red Truck. Wow, only 7 months ago I was sleeping in your arms truly lost in the fairytale and thought it was the start of something incredible, but unfortunately my silence and traveling got in the way. There were times that he did tell me he loved me. The first guy ever to say it more than once, but I never trusted I could believe him. He was living with someone, in a relationship and well obviously on his way to the alter. So it must have all been a lie. So maybe things happened for a reason and I wasn't the one walking towards him on his wedding day, because some greater power was screaming "she's not the one". (If you read this, The Big Red Truck, I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart ( a little cracked) but still very sincere. Best wishes for your new life. Oh and you looked very handsome and truly happy. ) Once again, I am not one for a one I wanted!!!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Blowing bubbles vs Blowing "IT"

One day, I will blow bubbles instead of "it". Blowing bubbles are magical. They have multiple colors reflecting within them. They can float lightly through the air. They put many smiles on babies faces and can change the mood of someone in the vicinity of them. The are however very fragile and can break with the lightest touch, but they are a mood enhancer. So while don't I just blow bubbles...I forget I guess. When the emotions take control we forget what we are doing and our normalcy and reasonable self are lost in the emotions and the emotions take over. As we make some choices in this state, there is a very quiet voice in the back saying..." stop", but it's so soft that it goes unheard and un-followed. Without following this great advice, we begin to start blowing "it". I am a complete pro at this. I can't explain it. My friends are always saying it's not you it's just all the guys you fall for. I am here to tell all my friends that it's not them. It is me. I can play it cool for a little, but as soon as there is any little emotion I let the ugliness take over me and I start feel terrible about myself and then start acting ridiculous. I actually recently just acted stupid to a guy I really like, The Perfect Daddy, and no wonder he won't talk to me through any means of communication. (Side note though...I posted on facebook one time that we get rejected by so many avenues now and it makes it harder-not quoted, but close-and he was the ONLY one who said "Hi"...Ironic, huh) I guess it just hurt a little the first blow off. Look blowing "it" causes blow "offs". They go hand in hand. To tell you the honest truth. I look at myself when I do these silly things and I think omg I am a total turnoff. I see it. I know it...hello he's gonna see it too. I know that I really didn't have a chance anyway, but I would rather go out as a respected individual then the way I did as a nut case...Please don't order my straight jacket though. I think that before I text, email, facebook, or any means of communication with someone I like (especially if I am starting the conversation) I will go box or workout, because I notice that my insecurities are smothered and I feel better and don't feel as compelled to make silly choices. To The Perfect Daddy...I am sorry. I am not crazy. Actually, he doesn't even know who he is..LOL, but I do. And I believe in apologizing when you make a mistake...however I have made this mistake over and over and over again. So maybe I just need to date like 3-4 guys at once and be pulled in so many directions I can't get hooked on one. Well I am going to the store tomorrow to by some bubbles...with each pop I will forgive myself for my past blowing "its" and then move on and try to DO IT and NOT BLOW "IT".

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Butterflies and Fireworks

Though the butterflies have been eaten by spiders and the fireworks have been drenched by rain, I still believe that one day the butterflies will be fed and continue to grow while the fireworks will light up the sky into daylight. Butterflies are that sweet feeling you get in your stomach when you're in the presence of that special someone. The little flip flopping that is going on is the butterflies dancing around telling you that you are feeling something unique and special for this someone. Oh the feeling is amazing! It makes your whole body feel like it's pleasurably on fire. The butterflies spread to the mojo area as well firing up more of the senses in your body. Wow! butterflies are special little creatures. They are not bugs!! The fireworks are the sparks you feel with every little touch by this special someone. The shiver that goes from your lips down through your spine all the way to your toes. It is a powerful spark that lights up your world more than the great and powerful sun. It's a light that cannot be digitally cloned. When the butterflies meet the fireworks, that is when the magic takes place. When all the stars are aligned and the magic just takes over your entire body, inside and out. Butterflies and Fireworks are simple things in life, but can easily be diminished if not treated delicately. Butterflies and Fireworks can also be rare, especially paired together. So when you feel this powerful duo deep inside don't be afraid of it, go with it. Yes, there is a good chance that the butterflies when put out there will be eaten by the spiders and when the fireworks are released can be put out by the rain. But if you yourself release the rain and spiders...You will never know what it's like when a pair of butterflies and fireworks comes to meet another pair of butterflies and fireworks. And this is a show you don't want to miss...wait I haven't seen this show yet, but I hear it's incredible.

Monday, March 26, 2012

4, 3, 2, 1...ZERO!

I have been sitting here for about 15 minutes just staring at the screen with so much going on in my head and heart so heavy I can barely pick it up off the bed. I just have no idea how to start saying what I need to say. So let's go back a few months. Way back in July 11, someone told me I should get back out there...the dating scene. I had a a few months that I just stayed away and to be honest it seemed so much easier...not as many disappointments. Then in July I joined a dating site, but since then I feel like I have been sad more than happy. The First was the Big Red Truck that you already have read about that and well timing played the devil in that. Then there was The Model and I have no clue what I did wrong there or what the heck happened. One minute he is saying names of possible kid names and oh if we live together then... . Then the next minute " I don't have time to spend with you." Then the first of the two resent. The Unattainable Prince Charming gave me my Cinderella night, but unlike Cinderella he will not come to see if the shoe fits. So I had this ball to go and the The Model was supposed to go with me, but I felt that I didn't want to spend my night sad knowing it was basically over, so I told him I didn't need a date anymore. So I went on facebook and was just going to ask someone who like PSU to go. So I bravely asked this amazing looking out of my league. I thought there is absolutely no way he is going to go, but I had nothing to lose. I already had a broken heart. Do you believe, he actually said, "yes"? The day of he asked me for my number and all I could think was that he was calling to cancel, but no. He just wanted to talk before we actually met in person. So I drove to meet Unattainable Prince Charming. Oh my god, I was shaking. He was so sweet and charming that I was seriously under some kind of spell. It was a night I will remember always. But as his name says this Prince Charming is Unattainable. He can have any girl at any time. What guy would give up that life? But it was still amazing to think that a guy who could have any girl at any time and do anything he wanted on a Saturday night, he spent an amazing night with me. But it was just my Cinderella night. Then the most resent date was with Perfect Daddy. I call him this because he is so amazing with is daughter it just makes your heart skip a beat. I have actually known him since October, but we just haven't met until recently. Well we had a great date. He made dinner and we watched the Sixers beat up on the Celtics. Then we watched "Hall Pass"...look out not necessarily the best first date movie. I felt like I was hanging out with an old friend. It was so special. But once again I have a feeling that I will never see him again. I don't exactly know why. I just do. I mean I just seem to falling too fast too much lately. I went on one date, but had no desire to see him again. So I don't think that I am just trying to  be with someone. These last 4 that I have met, really touched me in a special way. They all have made an impact on me. But now there are 4 more cracks in my heart and I am still left with zero. I feel a little like a zero, not good enough for anyone I fall for. I can't not explain this, but I have a feeling they see it. I need to work through this. I really do! Because once they see the good me, I would treat them so good, but my insecurities are so ugly and overtake everything else. Though I hope that Perfect Daddy does not give up on me. I will not be too much or bother him. I will just sit back and see what happens. If it is supposed to happen it will. I wouldn't mind being the Perfect Daddy's sweetheart, because he made my heart feel sweet. But I guess while I sit back, it is ok to still keep on moving on. You never know what's coming your way. Maybe the powerball or megamillion will come my way and then I will be so busy helping others and making some of my other dreams come true that my real Prince Charming will just come to my door with a glass slipper.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Enough...never is!!

Sometimes no matter how hard you try whether it's work, love...anything really, it just never seems enough. You somehow screw up and didn't do everything you could. This is so frustrating especially when the expectations are never presented properly. There is always something that comes back and takes a big chunk out of your tushy and it's really painful and STRESSFUL!!! Why, Why can't things just go smoothly in ANYTHING!!! I am tired of all the bumps in every part of my life. Bump after bump after bump...yikes. Please that is enough already!! I am so looking forward to going to the happiest place on earth for 10 days. Away from EVERYTHING reality!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

They're back.....

Not that they ever really left, but the demons have gotten loud once again. They just keep saying all these horrible and unfortunately believable things. I hung out with the "model" for a few weeks and it was great, seriously great. But how in God's name could I actually believe that GQ would stick with Good Housekeeping. I never truly had a shot. Another entry to come on all this. Now I sit and look in the mirror and hear these awful things in my mind and cannot get rid of them. It makes me seriously crazy. They are so powerful, so much more than those around me who try and make me feel better. But no matter what I do, the demons statements are so much louder, stronger and stick around much longer. I wish I could shut them up. Yes, I know I have the power do so, the sole power. I just can't find the confidence or energy to do so. Fighting them is so exhausting and I can't seem to find the right weapons to fight them. UGHHHHH....It is so frustrating and noisy. Please Shut Up!!!!!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Plastic Surgery

Yes, I would like plastic surgery. I would like a light switch type device added to my head, so that I could turn my mind off and on as needed. For example during the day while I am working and having to be thinking I can turn my mind on, but when it is time to sleep I can flip that switch off and drift off into a peaceful sleep. There would be an automatic timer on it, of course, so that it would turn on at a specific time. In case of an emergency the switch would be deactivated. I know crazy, but hey it just might work to help me sleep and stay asleep. I could also use it when I just don't want to think about the crazy things that my mind wonders off too that cause pain or sadness. Speaking of controlling the heart's emotions, while at the plastic surgeon, I would like to get an intensity dial added to my heart. This way I could turn down the intensity of my feelings or dial them up as needed. I think that I would keep this dial at a low setting at all times. As of right now, my heart always seems to be set at the highest possible setting. It's way to heartbreaking all the time. Wow, if only medical technology were this advanced. I could have ALL the control.