Monday, March 26, 2012

4, 3, 2, 1...ZERO!

I have been sitting here for about 15 minutes just staring at the screen with so much going on in my head and heart so heavy I can barely pick it up off the bed. I just have no idea how to start saying what I need to say. So let's go back a few months. Way back in July 11, someone told me I should get back out there...the dating scene. I had a a few months that I just stayed away and to be honest it seemed so much easier...not as many disappointments. Then in July I joined a dating site, but since then I feel like I have been sad more than happy. The First was the Big Red Truck that you already have read about that and well timing played the devil in that. Then there was The Model and I have no clue what I did wrong there or what the heck happened. One minute he is saying names of possible kid names and oh if we live together then... . Then the next minute " I don't have time to spend with you." Then the first of the two resent. The Unattainable Prince Charming gave me my Cinderella night, but unlike Cinderella he will not come to see if the shoe fits. So I had this ball to go and the The Model was supposed to go with me, but I felt that I didn't want to spend my night sad knowing it was basically over, so I told him I didn't need a date anymore. So I went on facebook and was just going to ask someone who like PSU to go. So I bravely asked this amazing looking out of my league. I thought there is absolutely no way he is going to go, but I had nothing to lose. I already had a broken heart. Do you believe, he actually said, "yes"? The day of he asked me for my number and all I could think was that he was calling to cancel, but no. He just wanted to talk before we actually met in person. So I drove to meet Unattainable Prince Charming. Oh my god, I was shaking. He was so sweet and charming that I was seriously under some kind of spell. It was a night I will remember always. But as his name says this Prince Charming is Unattainable. He can have any girl at any time. What guy would give up that life? But it was still amazing to think that a guy who could have any girl at any time and do anything he wanted on a Saturday night, he spent an amazing night with me. But it was just my Cinderella night. Then the most resent date was with Perfect Daddy. I call him this because he is so amazing with is daughter it just makes your heart skip a beat. I have actually known him since October, but we just haven't met until recently. Well we had a great date. He made dinner and we watched the Sixers beat up on the Celtics. Then we watched "Hall Pass"...look out not necessarily the best first date movie. I felt like I was hanging out with an old friend. It was so special. But once again I have a feeling that I will never see him again. I don't exactly know why. I just do. I mean I just seem to falling too fast too much lately. I went on one date, but had no desire to see him again. So I don't think that I am just trying to  be with someone. These last 4 that I have met, really touched me in a special way. They all have made an impact on me. But now there are 4 more cracks in my heart and I am still left with zero. I feel a little like a zero, not good enough for anyone I fall for. I can't not explain this, but I have a feeling they see it. I need to work through this. I really do! Because once they see the good me, I would treat them so good, but my insecurities are so ugly and overtake everything else. Though I hope that Perfect Daddy does not give up on me. I will not be too much or bother him. I will just sit back and see what happens. If it is supposed to happen it will. I wouldn't mind being the Perfect Daddy's sweetheart, because he made my heart feel sweet. But I guess while I sit back, it is ok to still keep on moving on. You never know what's coming your way. Maybe the powerball or megamillion will come my way and then I will be so busy helping others and making some of my other dreams come true that my real Prince Charming will just come to my door with a glass slipper.

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