Lost in Translation

The mind of a scatterbrain is very hard to tailgate. Following a scatterbrain can send another into a crazy dizzy spell. Add a cup of anxiety and the thoughts of an anxious scatterbrain go off on a eating spree like PacMan running through mazes and trying to escape the haunting of the ghosts. The further in we get the fast the ghosts chase and the more confused we get. This is the path of an anxious scatterbrain all on her own. One that is dark, bumpy, curvy with no guard rails. It's a white knuckle drive with a racing heart, difficult breathing, extreme pressure in the chest and throat closures. The thoughts in her own head are so confusing and ugly and the angel little voice gets lost in the darkness. With all of this, add in a calm brain and translation is completely and totally lost or is it just transformed?

A calm brain enters the conversation, adding new thoughts, experiences and words. The conversation begins to increase in speed and in zig zags. The conversation and relationship begins to become lost in translation. As an anxious scatterbrain, we think in "the worst case scenario". What could someone really see in me? I don't see it. If calm doesn't respond, he has begin to start a new conversation on a new path with another calm rather than an anxious scatterbrain. Calm says, "no I don't talk about you". Anxious scatterbrain hears, "You are not important to me, especially enough to say good things about you and that you actually make me happy." Calm says, "I didn't ask you to spend time with me, because you don't like the things I like to do. Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I would rather do the things you don't like to do than spend time with you. I choose all those things over you." Calm says, "Why don't you say you love me?" Anxious scatterbrain replies "why don't you say you love me?" Calm says, "Men don't say I love you." Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I don't love you and never truly will." Calm says, "who I am talking to or texting is no one's business unless you pay my bill." Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I am texting whoever I want whenever I want, even if it is a future possibility to take your place." Calm says, "I don't like people just showing up at time without warning." Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I have something to hide that could hurt you." Calm says, "I want to see you in the morning." Scatterbrain tries to get a hold of calm in the am, because anxious scatterbrain is respecting no just showing up without a definite "please come", but calm makes it complicated by giving the scatterbrain the impression it was inconvenient because she just didn't show up, but calm did say "no" to that...right? The confusion continues to deepen. Calm says after the fact, "I didn't invite you, because I didn't think you would want to come". Anxious scatterbrain hears, "sorry didn't really want you to come." Calm says, "If you lived with me then you can see me. You would already be there." 

Anxious scatterbrain  ponders than why can't calm spend weekends with her, oh yes because "I didn't ask you to spend time with me, because you don't like the things I like to do." Anxious scatterbrain does not hear what is said, it gets twisted in the communication. Also what gets lost in body language and/or actions of the way the path begins to play out. Confusion is on both ends to be honest and an anxious scatterbrain has to take that responsibility. Calm can't figure those thoughts or understand them as well. Calm does a lot of really nice thing when face-to-face, but anxious scatterbrain feels like they are on his terms. If he doesn't text or respond, he was busy and she should just know that and understand. Anxious scatterbrain dissects that as " I am worthy for a moment of letting her know..." Calm has never requested the scatterbrain to meet anyone ever. Anxious scatterbrain asks, but calm declines. So anxious scatterbrain feels unworthy and less than. Scatterbrain expresses, "our differences is are so hard and keep us apart". Calm hears, "it is fine, we see each other during the week and I come see you after work.  A little time is better than nothing". Scatterbrain hears "I have time for you only a little after work...". 

Anxious scatterbrain is well aware that calm's action/words are nothing less than a fine gentleman trying to live life to the fullest, living each day with thrill and excitement with circle after circle of friends to help bring that life to best ever. Scatterbrain is even a little jealous of that life, but it is not a life for anxious scatterbrain. It makes her more anxious. Anxious scatterbrains do not fit in. They are like oil trying to mix with water. Anxious scatterbrain has a lifelong dream of a fairy tale romance, with love, passion and sweetness: hand holding (in a non-awkward way-genuine), a kiss just to kiss, cuddling watching a movie (under the stars, by a fire-again genuine). A real-life fairy tale, Hallmark Movie, romance novel....scatterbrain well aware it is a little far-fetched. The difference cause even more lost in translation. The anxious scatterbrain is so very lost. Lost in trying to find her place. But one thing for sure is the lost in translation is causing distress to everyone in the conversation. 

Loss of Words from the Insecure Runner Up

How to find the words to express how one feels when they always fall short of being the right one? The words are not there to explain. Runner up may not seem too bad and in some aspects it isn't that bad, but in love, I mean real true love, you might as well be coming in last. When you know he wants his "one" to want to hold on to him while he races down the highway on the fastest two wheels out there and you can't meet that want, it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one" to extend his family tree and you can't meet that want, it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one" to be so self-confident and that she is ok with his going out with friends without her and doing this and that, even holding and dancing with other girls. You can't meet that want and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one"to be fine with him having a lot of time without you. You can't meet that need and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When he wants the "one" to be ok with coming in second to his many interests, friends and circles, you can't meet his needs and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. You not meeting his needs is you being a runner up in his life. He will always want the "one" who can meet these very understandable and respected needs. To him he may not even realize, but you realize that not meeting his needs is not meeting your needs. I can only think, because I am not the "one" he truly wishes for that is why he doesn't ask me be around as much as I wish he did, like maybe always. Ok, maybe not every second of every minute of every hour of every day....but maybe pretty close. The lack of desire to want me around, well this increases insecurities that are already darkening my spirit. 

For me, insecurities have always been a big, sad part of my life. It is really hard when they are always the loudest voice in your head telling you that you will always be a runner up. Always coming up short can really take a toll on someone, like it has on me. Yes, I met a great and wonderful man. We will call him "the Popular Quarterback" . Imagine the Popular Quarterback dating the insecure Wallflower. Seems a little out of place. Especially, when you are never invited when he is with his many, various circles. Sometimes it even feels as if I am the actual Wallflower, just standing on the middle school dance floor wall waiting forever for someone to ask me to dance. Again no one is asking. Yes I want to be the "one" for him, but his needs are out of my comfort zone. They are out of my true love dream as well. I dream of someone who feels for me like Steve Urkel feels for Laura Winslow. I know it seems a little much. But i guess I have never been number one in anyone's life and want to feel like I am not only enough for someone, but even more than enough. I dream of someone who not only is ok with being seen with me, but loves being seen with. Wants pictures of the two to mark the moment in history as one for the record books of love and romance. Why does it hurt, when no one wants this with you? Well, it makes you think that you aren't too good looking and no one wants to have the memory documented anywhere. Self-esteem killer. My deep seeded insecurities are the Dementors of my muggle life. Maybe my insecurities will just always be the repellent for true love. I really don't blame anyone. I mean who wants to be around someone who feels less than all the time. But I do wonder, if someone ever truly falls in love with me...will they want to see me always, even when the are with other circles and let me in, will they want want to save our love with digital memories, will I ever feel like number one, will I ever feel loved and cherished. Wow, feeling like a runner up as someone's not quite "one" is pretty painful, but I just realized that being the runner up in my own life is actually worse. I need to change this. I need to find more. More to make me feel good. I guess the truth is, I really need to find the muggle version of a Patronus, to chase my Dementors away.