Guilty Pleasure

I cannot say I really understand this saying. Guilty Pleasure? Hmmmm....I don't really get how the two of them can go together in anyway. To me they are complete opposites, sort of an oxymoron. How can one feel pleasure when guilt is involved. For me, guilt is one of the most powerful feelings. A feeling that can be so deep and painful, which can last a very long time, even forever. How can this be pleasurable in anyway? I have no idea. To be a true pleasure guilt is no where in sight, it's completely absent. I am someone who let's guilt run my life sometimes and for that I know I am somewhat of a fool, but I can't help it. I feel bad for a lot of things, not always things that I have done or anything, but for example I feel quilt for those less fortunate. How can I get down in the dumps, when there are others in such darker places. I am lucky, I have a nice place to live, many many people who love me and still I can get down...A lot. This is a guilt I carry around, but can't get over it for whatever reason. Pleasure makes the weight on your chest/heart disappear for real.  How does guilt have any place where pleasure is? It doesn't in my mind. Pleasure is making someone smile, laugh, happy-how can one feel guilt doing this. Guilt is a heavy and damaging word. Pleasure is light and peaceful. I feel guilt every day and sometimes I don't know why. I beat myself up about things I cannot change or am not even involved. It's hard when guilt is your enemy and it keeps haunting you day after day. When guilt is around, pleasure hides. Pleasure is scared of guilt taking away all is light and goodness. If someone says it's a Guilty Pleasure...it's an easy way out because they don't want to look bad to anyone, not really because they feel guilty. If it is true pleasure, there is no guilt. Even a person who cheats on their significant other, there was no guilt during the pleasure, maybe afterwords, but the pleasure is gone by this point. Someone who is on a diet and wants to eat chocolate cake, cookies, fried chicken, same thing--the pleasure and that takes the craving or sadness away for a few seconds or minutes then is tarnished with guilt. However these two are never simultaneous, EVER. They may follow each other closely, but are never in the mind or heart at the same time. It's impossible, which is of course the way I feel about it. Guilty Pleasures are just cover ups for true pleasures or pleasure denying the guilt. I know my work is cut out for me to work on having more pleasures than guilt in my life. I will work on this...though I know the road ahead will be difficult, because unfortunately there is some disappointment in myself that will interfere as well and cause may road blocks, but that is a whole other story. So I leave tonight with pleasure on my wish list. Good night and leave your guilt by your bedside, get in bed and have many pleasurable dreams.

Hotel Hopping...Does that make me a Hotel Sl**?

Hotel room after hotel room means hotel bed after hotel bed. When you think of a hotel bed what do you think of? Imagine having to think these things a few days a week, every week. I have to, yes I have to travel for my job and hotels make it very stressful. Don't get me wrong, my company puts us up in nice hotels, but even the most expensive hotels in NYC have had trouble. Let's see worrying about the glasses, were they clean or washed with toilet bowl water? Then sheets, OMG, are they fresh or did the last person just sleep so still not messing anything up? Are the towels clean? I have not idea. I must go on faith and faith alone. Oh and the absolute worst (for me anyway) is the BB words. I remember when I was a little girl singing "Good night, sleep tight, Don’t let the bedbugs bite. And if they do Then take your shoe and knock ‘em ‘til they’re black and blue!" Wow totally not a nursery rhyme...much more real and freaken' scary and stressful. I check and check and no matter what I STRESS out. I keep all my belongings in the bathroom with the lights on...I hear they are a little like gremlins and don't like bright lights. So if I get bit, I do my best not to bring them home. STRESS! Yes I am stressed ready to sleep in yet another hotel bed, scared a little, so some unfamiliar stuff, but probably something else. Hopefully the little vampires stay away and they are not hitching a ride with me. I will have Faith, but You bit, I will fight!!! Sweet dreams ya all!! Oh and don't let the bed bugs bite.

It's just a number...or is it?

123...Numbers are everywhere. Our lives can be controlled by numbers without us even knowing. Numbers can cause a lot of stess in each of us. There for numbers have some sort of meaning behind them. When it comes to age: number 16/18,means one can drive a car, number 21 represents the age one can't buy alcohol. When one hits the age of 30, one may start to stress if they haven't reached certain goals. At age 35, ones ability to have children drastically drops. At 40, well oh my getting up there. At age 50-MID LIFE CRISIS. When one hits the number of 65, Retirement. So numbers can have meaning. TV channels are numbers. Numbers, numbers everywhere. There are numbers we think about every month. For example, there are the numbers on one's paycheck. There are also the numbers on the checks we write to pay our bills. When the outgoing numbers start to out weigh the numbers coming in..can you say stressed. There are numbers that accumulate on our cars and when they get too high well then it's time for a new car...Stress. There are numbers everywhere, just everywhere. Our address is a number. We use numbers to reach those we love, by a phone call. Numbers, numbers, numbers. There are test scores, sport scores, movie and tv ratings-all numbers that affect people's destinations. There are numbers that can affect the life of people-the numbers that are read on a meter-blood sugar, blood pressure, pulse, white blood cells, and many more. Then there are the numbers that haunt some of us on a daily basis. Those numbers we look down on to when we step on the scale. One number higher, 5 numbers higher...how did this happen...Stress. Then there is the number that represents each of us, that is unique just to us, the number that is such a secret, yet our most important number-(yes our social). Numbers aren't just numbers. They affect us everyday.

Memories--August 25, 2009-an insert from the Diary before Blogging.

August 25, 2009

It comes down to the milk. When sitting in a hotel room, it’s not only my own bed, my family, and or my friends, but it is also the milk I miss. Milk a does the body good.. “Got Milk” not in a hotel room. Gotta have my milk. I am sitting here watching Beverly Hills, 90210, a show I remember watching while I was in high school. I remember loving the show so much and wishing I could be on it. I wanted to date Brandon, but then that Dylan won my heart. Boy I forgot how much I loved this show.

I am also thinking about Gumby tonight. He is applying for an apartment this week and even though the move will be tough on me. He will be so much farther from me. However, I really really want him to get it. I really believe it will make him very happy. He does deserve it even though he makes me unhappy sometimes. I don’t think he really wants any of the same things that I do, not with me anyway. He says he wants things to be they have been for the last 6 years, but I haven’t really been that happy for the last 6 years. Ok I haven’t been miserable, just wishing for a little more romance and sweetness form the one who I wish to share my life with one day. Enough of that, I really hope that he gets this apartment for him so that he can be happy with himself. Good luck my Gumby.

Making sense is not my goal. Getting things out of my heart an off my mind is my real goal.

My neck hurts no matter which way I sit or lay. Where’s the airport masseuse when I need one. (Columbus has one.-The only thing Columbus has J )  Why can’t life be as easy as TV or the movies? Everything just seems so much simpler. Ok there are so movies that have a lot of bad things in them and terrible things happening. However I don’t usually watch those. I watch the happily ever ending ones. I guess that is because that is what I would like in my own life. I know I am not alone in this.  But I am obsessed with it. I want the dream…

I want a Blizzard right now or maybe some potato chips. What?? Yes, I am craving something bad, maybe to fill some of this hole I have deep inside.

Oh my Dylan just asked Brenda to get on his Bike… he is so dreamy. That voice and so much more!! But remember Dylan McKay is not a real person.

Tonight’s entry all started because I ran out of milk and would really like some more.

I miss my mom very deeply. I hope she is heaven having a nice time, now with Michael, but I have to believe that she takes a moment here and there and looks down on me or comes to visit me  I miss her so very much. (Some of this is old, but I was reminiscing and realized that this was when I was in Columbus over a year ago and it was the first I chose and well I am in Columbus again. So I thought maybe it was destiny to post it. I changed nothing, but a name to protect the innocent. Dream sweet dreams.)

The little sperm meets the teeny tiny egg.

Once upon a time (love when stories start out this way---it's just so fairytale like! I like to think that's where I am headed), a little over 35 years ago (oops---giving away my age---not good, not good) there was a little sperm that decided to take a swim down a long, dark, damp tunnel. To his surprise at the end was a sweet teeny tiny egg anticipating his arrival. He asked her to go for a swim and she said Ok sounds good to me. After a few minutes, they decided to make MAGIC. Little did they know they were creating not just a baby and not just a little girl that would grow into a young lady, but a person that would have scattered thoughts that would make it very difficult almost impossible to make any decisions (even what to eat for breakfast could cause some real stress). The little girl (scatterbrain-we'll call her SB for short) had a wonderful and amazing childhood. A childhood full of imagination, play, and wonder. Playing with her friends was an exciting time for her. She loved her friends to come and play, seeing as she was an only child. Though when friends had other plans, no worries, she had it covered. Jackson Ned, Adel, Bernie, the twins and many others would always come to SB's rescue. These guys were the best. They were true friends, life long friends, friends that were there no matter what. Though these friends didn't have a heartbeat, they were all heart. They did have a "tattoo" on their tushies though---it said their "daddy's" name. Yes they ALL shared a daddy. Maybe SB should get my mom's and dad's names on her tushie---nah too much pain, though there is a lot of cushion. Childhood was an incredible time. SB always felt bad Michael Jackson missed out on his, and he spent his whole adult life trying to have one. SB don't blame him.  Though she had a childhood, a wonderful one, that was so great, amazing, innocent, stress free etc: she has spent most of her adult life trying to get back to they way she felt when she was just a little girl. (side note: you all know that SB-scatterbrain- is me so I will refer to myself in the first person from now on.) Can you remember when you were young? What was it like for you? More will be shared about the adventures of SB and her "friends", but for tonight, as the stars twinkle and moon shines, dreams await.

First kiss = First blog

Throughout life we have a lot of firsts. For example: The first time we cry. The first time we smile. The first time we walk. The first time we talk. The first time we laugh. The first time we go to school. The first time we kiss. The first time we "you know". The first time we fall in love. Well this is my first time blogging. It's a weird feeling really. It's like....Well that's the problem. I cannot explain what it is like. It's so new and all. I decided to start my own blog to un-scatter my brain a little or let it be scattered by releasing some of the clutter once in a while. Is that alright? I hope so...I am one of those people that would best be described as a a big ol' question mark, because I just don't know...I don't know about anything. Where I am going? Where I want to go? Who to go with? What I want to be when I grow up? and I am getting a little older. I have learned that writing feelings/thoughts/ideas down that maybe roads/paths may open to where your destiny may lie. I am sure there are more scatterbrains out there. So if you are one. Enjoy The Diary of a Scatterbrain. However I promise nothing, no destination, no end, no conclusion, just me the scatterbrain with a brain full of well STUFF.