Saturday, May 12, 2018

Lost in Translation

The mind of a scatterbrain is very hard to tailgate. Following a scatterbrain can send another into a crazy dizzy spell. Add a cup of anxiety and the thoughts of an anxious scatterbrain go off on a eating spree like PacMan running through mazes and trying to escape the haunting of the ghosts. The further in we get the fast the ghosts chase and the more confused we get. This is the path of an anxious scatterbrain all on her own. One that is dark, bumpy, curvy with no guard rails. It's a white knuckle drive with a racing heart, difficult breathing, extreme pressure in the chest and throat closures. The thoughts in her own head are so confusing and ugly and the angel little voice gets lost in the darkness. With all of this, add in a calm brain and translation is completely and totally lost or is it just transformed?

A calm brain enters the conversation, adding new thoughts, experiences and words. The conversation begins to increase in speed and in zig zags. The conversation and relationship begins to become lost in translation. As an anxious scatterbrain, we think in "the worst case scenario". What could someone really see in me? I don't see it. If calm doesn't respond, he has begin to start a new conversation on a new path with another calm rather than an anxious scatterbrain. Calm says, "no I don't talk about you". Anxious scatterbrain hears, "You are not important to me, especially enough to say good things about you and that you actually make me happy." Calm says, "I didn't ask you to spend time with me, because you don't like the things I like to do. Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I would rather do the things you don't like to do than spend time with you. I choose all those things over you." Calm says, "Why don't you say you love me?" Anxious scatterbrain replies "why don't you say you love me?" Calm says, "Men don't say I love you." Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I don't love you and never truly will." Calm says, "who I am talking to or texting is no one's business unless you pay my bill." Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I am texting whoever I want whenever I want, even if it is a future possibility to take your place." Calm says, "I don't like people just showing up at time without warning." Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I have something to hide that could hurt you." Calm says, "I want to see you in the morning." Scatterbrain tries to get a hold of calm in the am, because anxious scatterbrain is respecting no just showing up without a definite "please come", but calm makes it complicated by giving the scatterbrain the impression it was inconvenient because she just didn't show up, but calm did say "no" to that...right? The confusion continues to deepen. Calm says after the fact, "I didn't invite you, because I didn't think you would want to come". Anxious scatterbrain hears, "sorry didn't really want you to come." Calm says, "If you lived with me then you can see me. You would already be there." 

Anxious scatterbrain  ponders than why can't calm spend weekends with her, oh yes because "I didn't ask you to spend time with me, because you don't like the things I like to do." Anxious scatterbrain does not hear what is said, it gets twisted in the communication. Also what gets lost in body language and/or actions of the way the path begins to play out. Confusion is on both ends to be honest and an anxious scatterbrain has to take that responsibility. Calm can't figure those thoughts or understand them as well. Calm does a lot of really nice thing when face-to-face, but anxious scatterbrain feels like they are on his terms. If he doesn't text or respond, he was busy and she should just know that and understand. Anxious scatterbrain dissects that as " I am worthy for a moment of letting her know..." Calm has never requested the scatterbrain to meet anyone ever. Anxious scatterbrain asks, but calm declines. So anxious scatterbrain feels unworthy and less than. Scatterbrain expresses, "our differences is are so hard and keep us apart". Calm hears, "it is fine, we see each other during the week and I come see you after work.  A little time is better than nothing". Scatterbrain hears "I have time for you only a little after work...". 

Anxious scatterbrain is well aware that calm's action/words are nothing less than a fine gentleman trying to live life to the fullest, living each day with thrill and excitement with circle after circle of friends to help bring that life to best ever. Scatterbrain is even a little jealous of that life, but it is not a life for anxious scatterbrain. It makes her more anxious. Anxious scatterbrains do not fit in. They are like oil trying to mix with water. Anxious scatterbrain has a lifelong dream of a fairy tale romance, with love, passion and sweetness: hand holding (in a non-awkward way-genuine), a kiss just to kiss, cuddling watching a movie (under the stars, by a fire-again genuine). A real-life fairy tale, Hallmark Movie, romance novel....scatterbrain well aware it is a little far-fetched. The difference cause even more lost in translation. The anxious scatterbrain is so very lost. Lost in trying to find her place. But one thing for sure is the lost in translation is causing distress to everyone in the conversation. 

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Loss of Words from the Insecure Runner Up

How to find the words to express how one feels when they always fall short of being the right one? The words are not there to explain. Runner up may not seem too bad and in some aspects it isn't that bad, but in love, I mean real true love, you might as well be coming in last. When you know he wants his "one" to want to hold on to him while he races down the highway on the fastest two wheels out there and you can't meet that want, it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one" to extend his family tree and you can't meet that want, it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one" to be so self-confident and that she is ok with his going out with friends without her and doing this and that, even holding and dancing with other girls. You can't meet that want and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one"to be fine with him having a lot of time without you. You can't meet that need and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When he wants the "one" to be ok with coming in second to his many interests, friends and circles, you can't meet his needs and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. You not meeting his needs is you being a runner up in his life. He will always want the "one" who can meet these very understandable and respected needs. To him he may not even realize, but you realize that not meeting his needs is not meeting your needs. I can only think, because I am not the "one" he truly wishes for that is why he doesn't ask me be around as much as I wish he did, like maybe always. Ok, maybe not every second of every minute of every hour of every day....but maybe pretty close. The lack of desire to want me around, well this increases insecurities that are already darkening my spirit. 

For me, insecurities have always been a big, sad part of my life. It is really hard when they are always the loudest voice in your head telling you that you will always be a runner up. Always coming up short can really take a toll on someone, like it has on me. Yes, I met a great and wonderful man. We will call him "the Popular Quarterback" . Imagine the Popular Quarterback dating the insecure Wallflower. Seems a little out of place. Especially, when you are never invited when he is with his many, various circles. Sometimes it even feels as if I am the actual Wallflower, just standing on the middle school dance floor wall waiting forever for someone to ask me to dance. Again no one is asking. Yes I want to be the "one" for him, but his needs are out of my comfort zone. They are out of my true love dream as well. I dream of someone who feels for me like Steve Urkel feels for Laura Winslow. I know it seems a little much. But i guess I have never been number one in anyone's life and want to feel like I am not only enough for someone, but even more than enough. I dream of someone who not only is ok with being seen with me, but loves being seen with. Wants pictures of the two to mark the moment in history as one for the record books of love and romance. Why does it hurt, when no one wants this with you? Well, it makes you think that you aren't too good looking and no one wants to have the memory documented anywhere. Self-esteem killer. My deep seeded insecurities are the Dementors of my muggle life. Maybe my insecurities will just always be the repellent for true love. I really don't blame anyone. I mean who wants to be around someone who feels less than all the time. But I do wonder, if someone ever truly falls in love with me...will they want to see me always, even when the are with other circles and let me in, will they want want to save our love with digital memories, will I ever feel like number one, will I ever feel loved and cherished. Wow, feeling like a runner up as someone's not quite "one" is pretty painful, but I just realized that being the runner up in my own life is actually worse. I need to change this. I need to find more. More to make me feel good. I guess the truth is, I really need to find the muggle version of a Patronus, to chase my Dementors away. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Hectic Mind and Baffling Loneliness

Spinning and spinning and spinning, why won’t my mind stop spinning? My thoughts are all over the place. It can’t seem to focus on any one thing for more than a split second. It’s here then there then over there then back again. I feel like a cat chasing its tail. I can’t relax my thoughts. They are so all over the place, so scattered. I am a serious scatterbrain. My thoughts are of so many different things, but can only think of the things that hurt my heart. Why? Why do I let my mind lead with these types of thoughts. And not just one, but several, one after the other. I can’t even focus on one thing long enough to find the good within. I sit here with my mind askew and feel as if something extremely heavy is sitting upon my chest. I am so dizzy and my head hurts from all the annoying chatter that has been going on the last few days. I feel claustrophobic from my thoughts. It’s overpowering me. I can’t breathe. As my mind swirls and swirls and rotates as fast as the Earth, I feel this awful loneliness, but it’s not your normal loneliness that may occur. It’s a baffling loneliness, because I am so fortunate to have so many loved ones and ones that love me. But yet, I feel so hopelessly lonely, lost and saddened. I come home to an empty house all the time. No one here to give a smile that I am home. No one to miss me. I see my loved ones from time to time, but mostly I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner alone. I watch movies alone. I have lots of love in my life, I do and should not feel this way at all. But I do. I feel so claustrophobic with thoughts. I hold my breath. I feel so overwhelmed and I feel so darn lonely. New Year’s is coming up. I know I could be a 3rd wheel or the “single” one, but for some reason that just seems like it could make me feel a little sadder that I don’t have a date for that night.  There are many that don’t and I know I have a lot to be grateful for I really do. I just feel so terribly lonely. I never settled down to have a family. I have never found true love, someone I love to truly love me back. But I won’t settle for anything less. Maybe it’s my hopeless romantic self that causes my loneliness. I have a great guy in my life. He makes me laugh and smile when we are together. He even went out of his way to spend Christmas Morning with me. He’s a great guy. That’s the problem. I want love with him. I know that what we have is a friendly fun amazing friendship, but I feel sad not knowing if we could ever be more. I want more with him more than I have ever before. I am myself around him and it feels good. I understand some people don’t want relationships or love, I just wish he did, with me of course. See my mind goes from one thing to another. My mind is feeling and thinking of him, thinking I’m not this enough for him and etc. Then my mind thinks he’s finding other better things. Then my mind is off to thinking, “you need to purge a lot of your stuff in your house, you have too much”. Then my mind is off thinking, “you need to focus”. “You are gaining too much weight, you need to get back to getting fit. You are becoming fat”. I just can’t focus and I can seem to find the path down the positive thoughts. I am stuck on the negative, self-doubt merry-go-round and it keeps going and going and going. I can’t seem to get off. I need this ride to stop. My heart is hurting too much. I need to let some light in. I need to calm my thoughts. I need to just breathe.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Job, Career, or Passion?

When Sunday Blues hit hard, what does that mean? Does that mean what you do for a living is just a job, your career path, or your true passion. I highly doubt that it means it's a true passion. If you feel passionate about something, you are not going to feel blue every single time you have to face it. You may have a moment or two, but you will not feel so sad and blue when anticipating the arrival of a Monday. It must just be a job. For me, Sunday Blues hit me like a broken heart. I feel sick and sad and dread feeling this way. I miss my passion. I miss feeling excited. I miss wanting to put 100% into something. I miss wanting to work hard. Where is my passion? I can't seem to find it "here". It's just a job. Yes! I am fortunate for such a great job. Bills get paid, great benefits, great people, but my heart is void. Where is my passion? I need to find that passion again. I need to feel the passion void for doing something I love and enjoy. Hmmm...what is it? Where is it? Where is my passion?

Monday, November 4, 2013

Damsel in Distress

A long time ago a man was born with the power to reprogram the minds of others. As he aged into adulthood his passion deepened to take this talent to the next level. A man of such power is nothing less than a superhero. Superheros are characters we usually see in comic books or movies, but I have had the pleasure of crossing paths with such a legacy. I met my Superhero a while back and was swept off my feet like Lois Lane with Superman. It was chemistry at its finest. I have had been heartbroken once or twice in my life and had begin to not believe in the magic of love anymore. It starts to fade the more your heart is damaged. Hope and believe just fall by the waist side. My belief in happily ever after was gone. But Mr. Superhero, he changed me. He had super powers over me. He made me feel a certain magic that I had once believed in. He saved me, just like Superman, Ironman and his other fellow superheros. He once told me he always wanted to be a superhero. What little boy doesn't? What he didn't realize is that he was that, he was mine and others' who needed hope. He took movie night and made it fun and exciting, by adding props and costumes. What fun?! He sure had my number. Dancing in the living room was no longer just a dream. Making plans for the future became reality. Love was not even close to what I was feeling. "This is real?" "He loves me back, OMG this is amazing!!" We decided to look at a "bat cave" to reside side by side. My heart was on fire and more excited than ever before. My life finally had the future I dreamed of with the man of my dreams and a real-life superhero. I was set! But in every good superhero story, there is a villain. Sadly, this villain ripped my heart out. The villain is this story is circumstance. This superhero was not my superhero. He was a superhero of all. He couldn't help others being here with me and had to go back to his hometown, "Krypton". This move is now my kryptonite. My heart breaks over and over every minute of every day now. Though I know that even though my heart may never love like that again, so many peoples lives will be changed and minds will be free of agony, because of my villain. My villain is others' hope. Though it is selfish, my heart will always pray that one day the powerful and amazing superhero of the mind could move "Krypton" back to my heart. Usually superheros rescue damsels in distress, this time it is just not possible.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Choose Your Path

In life we are given choices, many choices. So many in fact that we can get so wrapped up in how many choices we are actually making that we forget we are in fact, making choices. We make a choice whether or not to get up when our alarms goes off. We make a choice whether to take a shower, every step of a shower including brands are choices. Then comes breakfast, what route you will take to work, if you will go to work etc. Choices, Choice. Choices. We don't always realize that we are making so many choices or that we do have a choice in everything we do. We don't always have a choice in the things that happen to us, but always in how we react to them. Our emotions make some of the choices for us, which makes choice making so much more complicated, because our emotions are irrational in some states. We don't think too much about our choices throughout our days really. It's not until a choice leads us down a road that leads to pain, rejection, hurt, disappointment, fear or heartbreak that we think, I wish I would have made another choice. Beating ourselves up about  a choice that caused us terrible feeling inside for days upon days, if not months upon years. We forget to give ourselves a pat on the back for the good choices we make throughout our minutes on earth. The ones where we choose to make someone smile, give a hug to a friend, give our time and effort, or even something as simple as choosing to stop at a stop sign. See now we start thinking about the right choices we make everyday all day. If we make a choice that leads  us down a road we don't approve, just remember the old choose your path books. These chapter books gave you choices and then led you down a certain path. If you didn't like the path you took, you were able to start the book over and choose different paths. Though we can't start our lives over or go back in time like Hermione Granger in Harry Potter, we still can make new choices that can help us get on a more exciting and wanted path. Remember it's a choice to give up or continue. It's a choice if we want to settle for where we are from the choices we've made or make a choice to change and create the life that will give us joy and satisfaction.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

To Whom it May Concern,

To you

This may be a little long...sorry bout that...But i really wanted to defend my actions so i didn't seem crazy!! i do owe u an apology though! People walk into our lives for some reasons or another but when they walk out, they do it for a reason as well. These reason unknown or known are much harder to take. No desire to know!! You walked away with grace and kindness trying to hurt me in the least possible way u could. I saw it I really did but it was hard to take in. I think it's just when one has moments. Moments that set your heart on fire...they are hard to distinguish. I'm sorry I kept trying and trying to get those moments back they really are meant to be just memories. I have friends they jeep telling me "Sherri get over it!! It was just lust and wanting something u can't have that's all!! Get over it!!" In one way they are right, but in another they aren't. When I was there I felt a certain peace that I haven't felt in a while. I have a hard time finding that inside. A happiness that was real. I felt so comfortable being the real silly me...never really felt so like me that way before. It may have been ur home...I think it felt a little like the home I grew up for some reason and maybe that's why. Also they've never been movie kissed to understand they are real. I'm not crazy I just tried to hold on to the feeling. I thank u for letting me feel that way even it was for a short time. People tell it's not about the butterflies and fireworks but finding someone who will love u and be there for you. So I guess I'm jumping on the grown up train and of the childish one of eating cotton candy, catching fireflies, chasing butterflies, and watching the fireworks in my kisses. Thank u for giving me one last glimpse if that. I'm sorry I kept contacting u. Truly and sincerely I am. U deserve ur happiness too without the little girl in pigtails asking u to dance to MJ and chance the butterflies with her.  I promise to distance myself so I don't become annoying-maybe not forever!! Forever is too far away! Thank u friend for everything. Peace out!!! ✌