Sunday, February 21, 2016

The Crushed Fairytale Dream

 

Moonbeams and Fairytales

 

Sometimes, no always, I fall for what I think will be my dream come true only to realize that my dream is just that a dream. Cinderella says a "dream is a wish your heart makes". Yes, it sure is a wish. A wish, A dream, A fantasy, A happy ending. This is what I saw, felt, and wanted to so badly with Hendrix. He made my heart flutter just like the most beautiful butterfly and was free to be who she was. Hendrix made me feel like a "foxy lady", he definitely made me feel like he was attracted to me. Oh Hendrix not just an average, "Joe". He was so much more. My time with Hendrix was magical like I was floating on some psychedelic drug...kind of like the sixties.

 

I have dreamed of fairytales my whole life. Some may say I am mislead by movies and books representing unrealistic true love. My heart is broken in more pieces than it has even been in the past from an unrequited love. This was different. It was my "moonbeams and fairytales'. I felt like a butterfly who was flying though a gorgeous fireworks display. I felt hopeless devoted and so in love.

 

I daydreamed all the time. I dreamed of the day that Hendrix would not only say that heart worming statement, but deep within his heart meant it. I dreamed that I could make him feel what I was feeling. Ah what that would have been like. Him falling madly in love me and taking me in his arms every time we saw each other and holding me and telling me that I am the one. The one he wanted to grow old with. The one he wanted to get down on one knew with a circle of love and ask for me to make him the happiest man alive and be the love of his life. Oh how I dreamed. I remember pictures at his parents house with the whole family, in-laws and all. Oh how I wanted to be a part of that life. My love for him was so strong that I wanted to be a part of his world. I wanted him to be a part of mine as well.

 

Oh and of course, I would have said "yes". My dream of his love would have finally come to life. that was a great dream. Yes I thought of the wedding, but it wasn't the wedding that made me smile as I dreamed and wished, it was the knowledge that I would have known that I had not only found true love but reciprocated true love. I know me and wouldn't have let him ask me unless I knew it's truly was he wanted-to love me and be loved by me. I dreamed of coming home to him, falling asleep next to him and waking up in his arms. This was the best fantasy, dream, wish that I have ever had in my entire life. I felt like I had "Little Wings" to be able to sore to true happiness.

 

What a dream it was! A dream and a wish that has come to a crashing halt. It isn't true. It isn't real. It can never be real. I can only be a shattered dream that I once had. A heartbroken soul and heart will haunt me for quite some time, but one thing that no matter how much pain, sorry and tears, I know that my dream with Hendrix may be the best dream that I will ever have.

 

I guess it's time to wake up. Good Morning!




 

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Hectic Mind and Baffling Loneliness


Spinning and spinning and spinning, why won’t my mind stop spinning? My thoughts are all over the place. It can’t seem to focus on any one thing for more than a split second. It’s here then there then over there then back again. I feel like a cat chasing its tail. I can’t relax my thoughts. They are so all over the place, so scattered. I am a serious scatterbrain. My thoughts are of so many different things, but can only think of the things that hurt my heart. Why? Why do I let my mind lead with these types of thoughts. And not just one, but several, one after the other. I can’t even focus on one thing long enough to find the good within. I sit here with my mind askew and feel as if something extremely heavy is sitting upon my chest. I am so dizzy and my head hurts from all the annoying chatter that has been going on the last few days. I feel claustrophobic from my thoughts. It’s overpowering me. I can’t breathe. As my mind swirls and swirls and rotates as fast as the Earth, I feel this awful loneliness, but it’s not your normal loneliness that may occur. It’s a baffling loneliness, because I am so fortunate to have so many loved ones and ones that love me. But yet, I feel so hopelessly lonely, lost and saddened. I come home to an empty house all the time. No one here to give a smile that I am home. No one to miss me. I see my loved ones from time to time, but mostly I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner alone. I watch movies alone. I have lots of love in my life, I do and should not feel this way at all. But I do. I feel so claustrophobic with thoughts. I hold my breath. I feel so overwhelmed and I feel so darn lonely. New Year’s is coming up. I know I could be a 3rd wheel or the “single” one, but for some reason that just seems like it could make me feel a little sadder that I don’t have a date for that night.  There are many that don’t and I know I have a lot to be grateful for I really do. I just feel so terribly lonely. I never settled down to have a family. I have never found true love, someone I love to truly love me back. But I won’t settle for anything less. Maybe it’s my hopeless romantic self that causes my loneliness. I have a great guy in my life. He makes me laugh and smile when we are together. He even went out of his way to spend Christmas Morning with me. He’s a great guy. That’s the problem. I want love with him. I know that what we have is a friendly fun amazing friendship, but I feel sad not knowing if we could ever be more. I want more with him more than I have ever before. I am myself around him and it feels good. I understand some people don’t want relationships or love, I just wish he did, with me of course. See my mind goes from one thing to another. My mind is feeling and thinking of him, thinking I’m not this enough for him and etc. Then my mind thinks he’s finding other better things. Then my mind is off to thinking, “you need to purge a lot of your stuff in your house, you have too much”. Then my mind is off thinking, “you need to focus”. “You are gaining too much weight, you need to get back to getting fit. You are becoming fat”. I just can’t focus and I can seem to find the path down the positive thoughts. I am stuck on the negative, self-doubt merry-go-round and it keeps going and going and going. I can’t seem to get off. I need this ride to stop. My heart is hurting too much. I need to let some light in. I need to calm my thoughts. I need to just breathe.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Job, Career, or Passion?

When Sunday Blues hit hard, what does that mean? Does that mean what you do for a living is just a job, your career path, or your true passion. I highly doubt that it means it's a true passion. If you feel passionate about something, you are not going to feel blue every single time you have to face it. You may have a moment or two, but you will not feel so sad and blue when anticipating the arrival of a Monday. It must just be a job. For me, Sunday Blues hit me like a broken heart. I feel sick and sad and dread feeling this way. I miss my passion. I miss feeling excited. I miss wanting to put 100% into something. I miss wanting to work hard. Where is my passion? I can't seem to find it "here". It's just a job. Yes! I am fortunate for such a great job. Bills get paid, great benefits, great people, but my heart is void. Where is my passion? I need to find that passion again. I need to feel the passion void for doing something I love and enjoy. Hmmm...what is it? Where is it? Where is my passion?

Monday, November 4, 2013

Damsel in Distress

A long time ago a man was born with the power to reprogram the minds of others. As he aged into adulthood his passion deepened to take this talent to the next level. A man of such power is nothing less than a superhero. Superheros are characters we usually see in comic books or movies, but I have had the pleasure of crossing paths with such a legacy. I met my Superhero a while back and was swept off my feet like Lois Lane with Superman. It was chemistry at its finest. I have had been heartbroken once or twice in my life and had begin to not believe in the magic of love anymore. It starts to fade the more your heart is damaged. Hope and believe just fall by the waist side. My belief in happily ever after was gone. But Mr. Superhero, he changed me. He had super powers over me. He made me feel a certain magic that I had once believed in. He saved me, just like Superman, Ironman and his other fellow superheros. He once told me he always wanted to be a superhero. What little boy doesn't? What he didn't realize is that he was that, he was mine and others' who needed hope. He took movie night and made it fun and exciting, by adding props and costumes. What fun?! He sure had my number. Dancing in the living room was no longer just a dream. Making plans for the future became reality. Love was not even close to what I was feeling. "This is real?" "He loves me back, OMG this is amazing!!" We decided to look at a "bat cave" to reside side by side. My heart was on fire and more excited than ever before. My life finally had the future I dreamed of with the man of my dreams and a real-life superhero. I was set! But in every good superhero story, there is a villain. Sadly, this villain ripped my heart out. The villain is this story is circumstance. This superhero was not my superhero. He was a superhero of all. He couldn't help others being here with me and had to go back to his hometown, "Krypton". This move is now my kryptonite. My heart breaks over and over every minute of every day now. Though I know that even though my heart may never love like that again, so many peoples lives will be changed and minds will be free of agony, because of my villain. My villain is others' hope. Though it is selfish, my heart will always pray that one day the powerful and amazing superhero of the mind could move "Krypton" back to my heart. Usually superheros rescue damsels in distress, this time it is just not possible.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Choose Your Path

In life we are given choices, many choices. So many in fact that we can get so wrapped up in how many choices we are actually making that we forget we are in fact, making choices. We make a choice whether or not to get up when our alarms goes off. We make a choice whether to take a shower, every step of a shower including brands are choices. Then comes breakfast, what route you will take to work, if you will go to work etc. Choices, Choice. Choices. We don't always realize that we are making so many choices or that we do have a choice in everything we do. We don't always have a choice in the things that happen to us, but always in how we react to them. Our emotions make some of the choices for us, which makes choice making so much more complicated, because our emotions are irrational in some states. We don't think too much about our choices throughout our days really. It's not until a choice leads us down a road that leads to pain, rejection, hurt, disappointment, fear or heartbreak that we think, I wish I would have made another choice. Beating ourselves up about  a choice that caused us terrible feeling inside for days upon days, if not months upon years. We forget to give ourselves a pat on the back for the good choices we make throughout our minutes on earth. The ones where we choose to make someone smile, give a hug to a friend, give our time and effort, or even something as simple as choosing to stop at a stop sign. See now we start thinking about the right choices we make everyday all day. If we make a choice that leads  us down a road we don't approve, just remember the old choose your path books. These chapter books gave you choices and then led you down a certain path. If you didn't like the path you took, you were able to start the book over and choose different paths. Though we can't start our lives over or go back in time like Hermione Granger in Harry Potter, we still can make new choices that can help us get on a more exciting and wanted path. Remember it's a choice to give up or continue. It's a choice if we want to settle for where we are from the choices we've made or make a choice to change and create the life that will give us joy and satisfaction.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

To Whom it May Concern,

To you

This may be a little long...sorry bout that...But i really wanted to defend my actions so i didn't seem crazy!! i do owe u an apology though! People walk into our lives for some reasons or another but when they walk out, they do it for a reason as well. These reason unknown or known are much harder to take. No desire to know!! You walked away with grace and kindness trying to hurt me in the least possible way u could. I saw it I really did but it was hard to take in. I think it's just when one has moments. Moments that set your heart on fire...they are hard to distinguish. I'm sorry I kept trying and trying to get those moments back they really are meant to be just memories. I have friends they jeep telling me "Sherri get over it!! It was just lust and wanting something u can't have that's all!! Get over it!!" In one way they are right, but in another they aren't. When I was there I felt a certain peace that I haven't felt in a while. I have a hard time finding that inside. A happiness that was real. I felt so comfortable being the real silly me...never really felt so like me that way before. It may have been ur home...I think it felt a little like the home I grew up for some reason and maybe that's why. Also they've never been movie kissed to understand they are real. I'm not crazy I just tried to hold on to the feeling. I thank u for letting me feel that way even it was for a short time. People tell it's not about the butterflies and fireworks but finding someone who will love u and be there for you. So I guess I'm jumping on the grown up train and of the childish one of eating cotton candy, catching fireflies, chasing butterflies, and watching the fireworks in my kisses. Thank u for giving me one last glimpse if that. I'm sorry I kept contacting u. Truly and sincerely I am. U deserve ur happiness too without the little girl in pigtails asking u to dance to MJ and chance the butterflies with her.  I promise to distance myself so I don't become annoying-maybe not forever!! Forever is too far away! Thank u friend for everything. Peace out!!! ✌

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Danger Zone

I am officially in the danger zone. Just thinking of him makes my heart ache so much. The memories that were made were so special and amazing and knowing they have officially come to...oh the word is so hard to say, but yes I believe they have come to an end. The Perfect Daddy was not just a Perfect Daddy, but someone who I truly believed was perfect for me. The only problem is that I wasn't perfect for him. Though some of the moments really made me believe that I might just have been able to be. He was tender and sweet and movie kissed me. He kissed me with so much passion (well that's what I truly thought it was). I was taken into another realm. A realm that had so much happiness that I could barely breathe. My eyes were blinded by the fireworks. One time he actually made a firework movement with his hands. Yes, It was all just too amazing and wonderful. More than I could have ever created in my own little vivid imagination. And let me tell you that my imagination could have created a scenario that would make Cinderella's story seem lame. It was magical. It made me believe in all those storybook lines....Once upon a time....true love...butterflies and fireworks...magic.. love potions...fantasies....real life fairy tales...and they lived happily ever after. Well though I was wrong and am left broken hearted I can't stop believing that these all really do exist. I will never settle. Maybe that makes me selfish I don't know, but I know what it feels like to believe in true love and have butterflies and see fireworks and now I am tainted and cannot fall in love without them. So I will let myself be sad for just a little, then I will put belief in all that is possible, the magic and all. No matter what anyone tells me or tries to steer me in another direction. I will wait for the real thing. I will wait for my own fairy tale, even if it takes me my entire lifetime to find it. Find the two-way magic love.