How to find the words to express how one feels when they always fall short of being the right one? The words are not there to explain. Runner up may not seem too bad and in some aspects it isn't that bad, but in love, I mean real true love, you might as well be coming in last. When you know he wants his "one" to want to hold on to him while he races down the highway on the fastest two wheels out there and you can't meet that want, it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one" to extend his family tree and you can't meet that want, it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one" to be so self-confident and that she is ok with his going out with friends without her and doing this and that, even holding and dancing with other girls. You can't meet that want and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one"to be fine with him having a lot of time without you. You can't meet that need and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When he wants the "one" to be ok with coming in second to his many interests, friends and circles, you can't meet his needs and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. You not meeting his needs is you being a runner up in his life. He will always want the "one" who can meet these very understandable and respected needs. To him he may not even realize, but you realize that not meeting his needs is not meeting your needs. I can only think, because I am not the "one" he truly wishes for that is why he doesn't ask me be around as much as I wish he did, like maybe always. Ok, maybe not every second of every minute of every hour of every day....but maybe pretty close. The lack of desire to want me around, well this increases insecurities that are already darkening my spirit.
For me, insecurities have always been a big, sad part of my life. It is really hard when they are always the loudest voice in your head telling you that you will always be a runner up. Always coming up short can really take a toll on someone, like it has on me. Yes, I met a great and wonderful man. We will call him "the Popular Quarterback" . Imagine the Popular Quarterback dating the insecure Wallflower. Seems a little out of place. Especially, when you are never invited when he is with his many, various circles. Sometimes it even feels as if I am the actual Wallflower, just standing on the middle school dance floor wall waiting forever for someone to ask me to dance. Again no one is asking. Yes I want to be the "one" for him, but his needs are out of my comfort zone. They are out of my true love dream as well. I dream of someone who feels for me like Steve Urkel feels for Laura Winslow. I know it seems a little much. But i guess I have never been number one in anyone's life and want to feel like I am not only enough for someone, but even more than enough. I dream of someone who not only is ok with being seen with me, but loves being seen with. Wants pictures of the two to mark the moment in history as one for the record books of love and romance. Why does it hurt, when no one wants this with you? Well, it makes you think that you aren't too good looking and no one wants to have the memory documented anywhere. Self-esteem killer. My deep seeded insecurities are the Dementors of my muggle life. Maybe my insecurities will just always be the repellent for true love. I really don't blame anyone. I mean who wants to be around someone who feels less than all the time. But I do wonder, if someone ever truly falls in love with me...will they want to see me always, even when the are with other circles and let me in, will they want want to save our love with digital memories, will I ever feel like number one, will I ever feel loved and cherished. Wow, feeling like a runner up as someone's not quite "one" is pretty painful, but I just realized that being the runner up in my own life is actually worse. I need to change this. I need to find more. More to make me feel good. I guess the truth is, I really need to find the muggle version of a Patronus, to chase my Dementors away.