Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving Day vs Turkey Day vs Shopping

Today is my 36th Thanksgiving. I may not be able to remember all 36, but i do remember some of them. Right now I am sitting in my first apartment just thinking about Thanksgiving and what it is really all about. There seems to be a little controversy on what the day is really celebrated in honor of. Some say it is a day to give thanks (hence Thanks-giving). Some say it is Turkey Day, a day to eat turkey and spend time with your family, friends, and those you love. Some say it is just an overeating day. Some say it is a day to stand in line for hours upon hours to get that one special gift on Black Friday-aka Deal Day. Some say it is a day just to say Thank you for all you have. As I grew up, I feel that food has over powered the holiday a little, stress as well. It was all about who gets what left overs and how much? Who will make what and how much? In my family, one person always seemed to be the one responsible for most of all the hardwork. That's a lot to ask of one person. But I also think that though the food may have been at the fore front of many Thanksgivings, I do believe that the time we all spent together was very special. We didn't always state what we were thankful for, but we knew that we were family and enjoyed the time we were spending together. We were family. This year there is a lot of controversy over the stores opening tonight, yes on Thanksgiving to start the Black Friday deals early. Shouldn't Thanksgiving be about family and spending time with them and give thanks? Well who says standing in a long line for hours with a friend or family memeber isn't special and meaningful. Someone standing in line for all this time to Maybe get a special gift they want for a special someone. Isn't that in a way saying Thank You. Maybe today is about all of it-giving thanks-eating turkey, over eating a little (or whatever special food)-spending time with family-standing in long lines for deals-say thank you for everything you have (does it really matter exactly how you say it?). Maybe it's one or some combination of all of these. Isn't what really matters is that we do what ever we always do? Isn't is really about tradition? Tradition is an important part about today-remembering the past ones and trying to make the present one just a little better and exciting than last time. Well that's what I think about thanksgiving. Every Thanksgiving I try to remember what I am thankful for, but I get so overwhelmed with how much I really have, when I actually sit down and think it over (expecially if I am not down about something else). So here goes...I am very thankful for the following:
1. My favorite aunt: She does absolutely everything for everyone, especially me. She is my best friend, sister, aunt. Someone I look up to and will always be in debt to for all she has done for me. I wouldn't be the same person without her.
2.My mom: Though she has spent the last 8 Thanksgivings in heaven, I am still thankful I had her as my mommy. She was the best and I miss her everyday. She always did the cutest things for me.
3. My dad: for always being my dad and sending me little notes when I was a kid-ever day for lunch in school. And many more.
4. Grandparents: All my grandparents have hit a special part in my heart.
5. Aunts and uncles: I could go to some of my aunts with questions I needed answered.
6. Cousins: Love all them. I have one girl cousin who is more like a sister and one cousin like a brother and they hold a very special place in my heart as well.
7. All my friends: two that are married have really been there for me and we have gotten very close over the last two years and others that are so special to me. I am so lucky to have so many close friends.
8. Loves: each of you have made an imprint on my heart and have helped me become who I am today. Gumby-you made me realize some things I really need in a relationship. The Big Red Truck, you made me believe in butterflies and magic again.
9.Job-I have one and don't hate it.
10. My new apt: so excited to decorate and have something of my own.
11. Car: I have two.
12. Things: I have lots of them...thank you!
13. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am thankful for that too!
See I consider myself very fortunate. Sometimes I lose sight of this when I am stressed, heartbroken, or lonely, but my fortune is out there. I know this. So whatever your Thanksgiving brings just remember one word and one word only-TRADITION!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My Heart is Bleeding...Blue and White!

There is a lot going on this week, much sadness at the University where I once walked through the snow, the colorful leaves, the rain throughout the historic sites. A place where I went to class every day (yes I went to every class) and got a top notch education. A place where I felt safe as I walked through the amazing campus. A place that was a second home (first to some) to many people. A place where we had family. A man that once roamed our campus betrayed and violated children in the worst possible way. It is sick and so sad that this could happen in our community. As an alumnus, I sit back in pain thinking of the awful things these children had to go through. I feel for them and their families. My family is hurting as well (not to the extent I understand that). My school is being drug through the mud because of one monster and gang of cover upers. It is so sad, because we that once called this place "home" know that it is not what we truly stand for. We are much more than that. We are sad for the victims. We are...a family trying to pick up the pieces so it doesn't completely fall apart. Some of those looking in through the window do not truly understand. They think we are being selfish, because the children are the victims not us, TRUE...VERY TRUE. However when something bad happens in a affects the entire family. It's like venom entering your spreads throughout your body. Also our "father" has been kicked to the curb for not doing enough. This has struck us all in our hearts. A man we all look up to for all his goodness and pride. How can this be? This cannot be my reality. It just can't. Others look down upon all of us who still show pride of our school. Is this not hate? Hate by association? Hate will not heal the victims. It won't. Kindness and generosity will not completely heal, but it will do more than hate. Please let the hate of the family be gone. Be disgusted with the one who deserves it, not the millions of others. We are passionate for a place we love and the people in it, that does not mean we condone the horrific behaviors of a few. My heart bleeds and though it is frowned upon by many...It bleeds Blue and white and always will and I will not be ashamed.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Three Little Words

Ever since I was a little girl my parents always told me how much they loved me...every day. My dad has always says he loves me every time we see each other or every time we talk on the phone. He says these powerful words every time. My mom continued to say "I love you" to me until the day she fell asleep for ever. I still dream of her and she hugs me in my dreams and tells me she loves me. I know in my heart that she still says "I love you" to me every day, I just can't hear it. (I love you Mommy and miss you so much. Please come see me in my dreams real soon.) It has always been easy for me to tell family that I love them and even hear it from them and believe it. I guess because I know nothing else when it comes to the ones who have loved me my whole life. In the past few years my best friend has told me she loved me as well and at first it was weird for me, but I have become much more comfortable with these three little words. I do love many family, friends, and all the children in my life and I accept their love as well. There are all different kinds of love-family love-friendship love-human love just to start. However, when it comes to the deep magical love I become so hesitant to let that love come near me or express it. I remember my 6th grade boyfriend writing it in notes, but was that really love, not really. When I was a freshman in college, my boyfriend said, "I love you" then slept with someone else. No one ever said it again until my 6 1/2 year relationship with Gumby. He said it twice. I can't say I said it often. Like I said "I love you" means more to me than any other 8 letter arrangement. I think I was always scared I would say it and it not be returned. I have a lot of experience with the unrequited love. I am not sure Gumby ever felt it, just said it to keep me from walking away. I always dreamed that one day these three little words would come from the lips of someone who started my heart on fire, stimulated my mojo and livened up the butterflies within. Then my life would be complete and I would live my happily ever after saying "I love you" to him and he saying "I love you". Though that is not always the case, because my dream came true. The one (Big Red Truck) told me he loved me, but unfortunately he is not free to do so. However my heart does not understand this and just heard those words and just wanted to take him in my arms and hug him tightly and kiss him till I was so dizzy I would fall. Because "I love him" too. So for the first time these three little words hurt more than I thought they could ever hurt. Being loved is great, but being loved by someone you love, but cannot be with feels as if someone is stabbing my in the heart with a magic wand-rather than turning me into Cinderella, as a cruel joke. Maybe he just says it to, because he knows he never has to follow through with it...makes it easier that way. I don't know what to think. What am I supposed to learn from this? I don't know. How do I move on when I am in love with someone who says they could love me that way if they weren't taken? I need to learn. Maybe when the Model comes back from Las Vegas and I see him again some of these crazy Big Red Truck feelings can be slowly moved into his direction and if the three letter words come again....they will be mutual, magical and possible.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Apple Tree

A friend of mine saw this and sent it to me. She said it made her think of me. I am not sure who it is written by. But it is what inspired the previous post.
"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

So I guess this got me thinking that I will wait. I will wait for the one who will climb to the top of the tree to get me, and only take one apple off the tree.

Standing Still...Holding On

This past week has been seriously insane when it comes to past heartbreaks. Within one week I have been in contact with 3 past heartbreaks in one way or another. I feel like I am just a standing stature with multiple roads extending out from my standing point. I stand there watching those I once held in my heart just continue to walk away. I stand watching them just walk and walk and walk in the wrong direction...not towards me. I said 3, yes. I will name them Gumby (from a previous post), the Big Red Truck (from a previous post) and the fantasy (just a crush I had 13 years ago and always wished something would have happened-nothing every did). Let's talk about Gumby first. Two years ago he walked away (ok..I made him walk away) with another. I stood in this very spot and just watched. A painful farewell. My fantasy was revisited this past week and just a glimpse of maybe just one night was in view for just a second, but he sprinted down his path in the opposite direction, but I still stand here and watch. And of course the most recent heartbreak, The Big Red Truck. Once again, no I haven't learned my lesson, I stand in this lonely spot just watching someone special walk down his path with another. This time I see him turn back and look at me and smile and sometimes even take maybe just a baby step towards me instead of away from me. But as always turns back the other way and continues to walk. So hope, just a little, fills up my heart and then vanishes faster than David Copperfield. So as I stand in my lonely spot I wonder, what am I doing here? Why do I stand here and just watch them continue to walk away from me? Why do I torture myself? I decided to look in some other directions and guess what there are many other paths to pursue. So what to do? Stand here and wait for him to come back in my direction while watching him get further and further away with another or take another path? Just because I would take a step on another path does not mean that a path once visited cannot merge sometime in the future. But standing still, standing watching all alone while a love loves another is doing what exactly, nothing but continuing to break my heart. So I am going to no longer stand still. I am going to start walking, maybe the further I walk from this sad and lonely place, the lighter my heart will feel and will let these new paths take me somewhere wonderful. Who knows an old path may open up again for me and lead me to that same blissful place. But I cannot just stand and wait, all alone, while he moves on towards a life of love. Watching doesn't get you anywhere, only doing does. Yes I could follow down on old path, but isn't that just getting me closer to the pain. Who know maybe one day, I will be worth it and I will be followed.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Dream, Imagine, Inspire

Dream, Imagine, Inspire...are just words until one actually puts them into action. These words surround me when I sleep (ok if I sleep in my own bed). I fall asleep reflecting on these powerful actions. I wake to the same energy. However, in my life they have been mostly just words. I think sometimes I feel empty because I want these words to be real for me and not just words. I Dream all the time, but I need to put the Dreams into some action so I can make them come true and they don't just fall to the waste side building up inside of me causing awful clutter...making it hard to breathe. I need to take my Dreams and make at least some of them a reality...bring them from the deep inside to the outside. I Dream big, which could be part of the problem. I Dream the impossible...but I need to start thinking that my Dreams are probable. Imagination is what I do best. I do Imagine in the active way, however my Imagination always takes me to a negative place. So I need to Imagine in the more positive way rather than letting it take me somewhere I don't want to be. When you Imagine, we should Imagine happiness not sadness or things that hurt or will hurt. Imagine good things that will make your heart glow and flutter. Real life has enough sadness and Imagine the happiest of all things. Inspire others and be Inspired. I have a desire for someone to be Inspired by me. I want to make a difference and make others feel good. But also like to be Inspired by others faith and confidence in themselves, which will hopefully give me the faith and confidence to believe in myself and in my Dreams so that I can Imagine happiness and Inspire others to do the same.