Thursday, November 3, 2011

Standing Still...Holding On

This past week has been seriously insane when it comes to past heartbreaks. Within one week I have been in contact with 3 past heartbreaks in one way or another. I feel like I am just a standing stature with multiple roads extending out from my standing point. I stand there watching those I once held in my heart just continue to walk away. I stand watching them just walk and walk and walk in the wrong direction...not towards me. I said 3, yes. I will name them Gumby (from a previous post), the Big Red Truck (from a previous post) and the fantasy (just a crush I had 13 years ago and always wished something would have happened-nothing every did). Let's talk about Gumby first. Two years ago he walked away (ok..I made him walk away) with another. I stood in this very spot and just watched. A painful farewell. My fantasy was revisited this past week and just a glimpse of maybe just one night was in view for just a second, but he sprinted down his path in the opposite direction, but I still stand here and watch. And of course the most recent heartbreak, The Big Red Truck. Once again, no I haven't learned my lesson, I stand in this lonely spot just watching someone special walk down his path with another. This time I see him turn back and look at me and smile and sometimes even take maybe just a baby step towards me instead of away from me. But as always turns back the other way and continues to walk. So hope, just a little, fills up my heart and then vanishes faster than David Copperfield. So as I stand in my lonely spot I wonder, what am I doing here? Why do I stand here and just watch them continue to walk away from me? Why do I torture myself? I decided to look in some other directions and guess what there are many other paths to pursue. So what to do? Stand here and wait for him to come back in my direction while watching him get further and further away with another or take another path? Just because I would take a step on another path does not mean that a path once visited cannot merge sometime in the future. But standing still, standing watching all alone while a love loves another is doing what exactly, nothing but continuing to break my heart. So I am going to no longer stand still. I am going to start walking, maybe the further I walk from this sad and lonely place, the lighter my heart will feel and will let these new paths take me somewhere wonderful. Who knows an old path may open up again for me and lead me to that same blissful place. But I cannot just stand and wait, all alone, while he moves on towards a life of love. Watching doesn't get you anywhere, only doing does. Yes I could follow down on old path, but isn't that just getting me closer to the pain. Who know maybe one day, I will be worth it and I will be followed.

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