Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Three Little Words

Ever since I was a little girl my parents always told me how much they loved me...every day. My dad has always says he loves me every time we see each other or every time we talk on the phone. He says these powerful words every time. My mom continued to say "I love you" to me until the day she fell asleep for ever. I still dream of her and she hugs me in my dreams and tells me she loves me. I know in my heart that she still says "I love you" to me every day, I just can't hear it. (I love you Mommy and miss you so much. Please come see me in my dreams real soon.) It has always been easy for me to tell family that I love them and even hear it from them and believe it. I guess because I know nothing else when it comes to the ones who have loved me my whole life. In the past few years my best friend has told me she loved me as well and at first it was weird for me, but I have become much more comfortable with these three little words. I do love many family, friends, and all the children in my life and I accept their love as well. There are all different kinds of love-family love-friendship love-human love just to start. However, when it comes to the deep magical love I become so hesitant to let that love come near me or express it. I remember my 6th grade boyfriend writing it in notes, but was that really love, not really. When I was a freshman in college, my boyfriend said, "I love you" then slept with someone else. No one ever said it again until my 6 1/2 year relationship with Gumby. He said it twice. I can't say I said it often. Like I said "I love you" means more to me than any other 8 letter arrangement. I think I was always scared I would say it and it not be returned. I have a lot of experience with the unrequited love. I am not sure Gumby ever felt it, just said it to keep me from walking away. I always dreamed that one day these three little words would come from the lips of someone who started my heart on fire, stimulated my mojo and livened up the butterflies within. Then my life would be complete and I would live my happily ever after saying "I love you" to him and he saying "I love you". Though that is not always the case, because my dream came true. The one (Big Red Truck) told me he loved me, but unfortunately he is not free to do so. However my heart does not understand this and just heard those words and just wanted to take him in my arms and hug him tightly and kiss him till I was so dizzy I would fall. Because "I love him" too. So for the first time these three little words hurt more than I thought they could ever hurt. Being loved is great, but being loved by someone you love, but cannot be with feels as if someone is stabbing my in the heart with a magic wand-rather than turning me into Cinderella, as a cruel joke. Maybe he just says it to, because he knows he never has to follow through with it...makes it easier that way. I don't know what to think. What am I supposed to learn from this? I don't know. How do I move on when I am in love with someone who says they could love me that way if they weren't taken? I need to learn. Maybe when the Model comes back from Las Vegas and I see him again some of these crazy Big Red Truck feelings can be slowly moved into his direction and if the three letter words come again....they will be mutual, magical and possible.

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