Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Weight of the World

The Earth weighs about 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds. I will be honest I don't even know how to say that number. It is probably one of those child made up words that we used to say. Oh, I want to have a bagillzon children. I want to have a thousand gazillion bazillion dollars. Man were creative back then. Well enough reminiscing. I feel as though I have the weight on my shoulders, but truth of the matters is I have less then probably 20 lbs actually on top of my shoulders, but my chest feels as if if a mack truck is stopping to do a Chinese fire drill on top of my chest. Great timing, huh? I have always had a lot of thoughts going on in my mind, more than I can count, because they are just so freaken' jittery. They are everywhere: here and there, oh and over there, some back here and a few deep down. Get the picture everywhere. I know that these are not ever close to the extent of holding 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds on my shoulders or even probably 1/10 of what some people in third world countries, or homeless people, or abused people, or those loosing their lives or loved ones, those struggling every day to just get up and make it throughout the day. No I am not here, I am not, but the weight is still extreme and I don't know how to put my mind on a diet so my heart is so overload with that terrible little word called stress. Stress is a multiplying thing. It just keeps growing and growing-yes kind of like an embryo, but it certainly is not growing into a living thing-so I hope not anyway. (Side note:that would make a good SciFi flick.) I feel everything that is around me and take it all in and feel. I feel it all. I just can't stop my mind from continuing to think about everything. For example work: love my job, but want to do more with my life, but love the people I work with don't want to leave, but I want to be with children, I want to cook, but I need health insurance. I want to make a difference at my company, but the lack of confidence and recognition has gotten me down, then guilt for wanting recognition, it's not Kindergarten. I want to learn to cook, but when, with money. Would I even be motivated? I started taking a self pass course for some credits. Loved starting it, very hard to find time. This is always there. There's a book my aunt has asked me to read for a month. I want to read it truly I do, but when with what motivation. I would love to be able to afford to buy my own home, but do I start out really small, or wait til I can afford my dream. Can afford it anyway? What if I lose my job-no job is that secure? Would I be able to do it? Do I really want to live all by myself. My aunt is the coolest in the whole world and I have lived with her for 6 years, could I leave? Not sure about that. I love it here (OK my Nana can drive me batty). Speaking of my aunt I stress out for her and all she goes through. Stress for my dad-great more weight. My daddy, I was his little girl and sometimes still treats me like one. Can't always give him the proper attention-STRESS. More weight and more weight keeps adding on. I may not be at 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lbs, but man, when I take a deep breath and the tightness feels like a sumo wrestler just sat on me, I know that's not good. And though a lot of the things above aren't that bad-really individually-oh and boy are their more and more and more. My synapses, must fire 100 times faster than normal. I feel sometimes as if I had a double chocolate ice cream float in a red bull followed my a monster. (No worries-never did this). I have no will power to rid all these crazy thoughts or the will power to try yoga or meditation-I hear these things are great. Oh I have thought about it, bought DVDs-oh yeah the whole 9 yards. Follow through is very hard for me, I don't like making decisions. So I just float, oh I can't float I am too heavy, I meant sink. (little voice 76: Stop all the yaking no one is listening) (little voice 101: Sherri, shhhh relax.) (little voice 25: Make up YOUR MIND!) (little voice 225: Sweet Dreams and goodnight sweet darling)

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