Thursday, July 7, 2011
Losing control to the demons
It's been a long time since I last wrote. I believe way too long. This was supposed to be a way for me to get the crazies out of my head and well I have been letting them control my heart and soul. The demons are beginning to win and I am not sure how to stop them. I have been very stressed for quite sometime and just keep pushing things out of my mind...good right? Wrong!! They all just come rushing back to me at once. As I said in my last post, I feel half empty because I keep going and going and going and haven't moved at all. I just sit back and continue to wait and wait for my life to start and I have watched (at least) the past 12 years since college graduation just pass me by. It feels like yesterday, but over a decade has passed. Missing out on this time and not trying to make some of my dreams come true, not being afraid to take chances, and furthering my education just hurts so much. I look at others and see that they are so much further in their lives and 10-15 years younger than me. It hurts because I never could believe in myself enough to do those things. I don't really know why I have these demons that continue to hold me back, but I do and now time has just slipped away from me. Time that I can never ever get back. If only I had a time machine, or a DeLorean that travels back in time, or a time turner, but those are fantasies until they end up on my door step. Don't get me wrong, i am a very lucky person for having people in my life who love me and would do anything, especially my aunt (best friend), but I still am missing a big part and I don't know what that is. I have been looking, but I can't find it. I think the demon crazies just win every time. So for right now I am just so angry with myself and very frustrated for just letting so much time pass and I am not sure how to get over it or work it out. I'm sad truly sad right now for letting myself get to this point. I am the only one who can control my choices and yet I never seem to make the ones that will make me truly happy and get closer to the dreams I have had and where I would really like to be in my life. May I get a little closer soon.