What almost was!!

Of all Birthdays, Harry Potter's happen to be a special one this year for me. Yes I know he doesn't exist but neither does the fantasy I almost had. The one I am about to share. Well the story begins on Harry Potter's 21st Birthday if you are like I and believe Harry continued to live. It was a beautiful Sunday and the travel blues have not yet set in. I arrived at the cafe to meet an unknown man. Someone I had just spoken to virtually, but was finally going to meet him in person. I sat on the big comfy sofa just waiting. Time kept ticking and our meeting time had past. "He's not coming" I thought to myself. I sat bouncing my legs in anxiousness waiting. About 15 minutes after the destined time, he showed up. I remember he was wearing shorts and a t-shirt (supporting the fight against cancer-must be a caring guy). It was a short visit, but nice at the same time. We said our goodbyes and had planned to see each other again. And so we did. Our next meet up was during the week, I snuck out for a lunch break to meet him. Once again short but sweet. I gave him a hug and he texted me and was so happy. We met again at the same place one night after work and it was amazing again. There was a storm coming and he said you better get out of here before it gets bad. He offered to sell me his house too...lol. Our first night time date happened that following Friday night...where? Friday's of course. It was a great night. He talked to his son on the phone with a twinkle in his eyes...melted my heart. At this time, I was still saying that I wasn't ready for anything serious. Hey I had been so hurt in the past I was so scared. We hung out at our cars for quite some time...though he wasn't making me to happy busting on my team PSU, but hey it was all fun. We hugged again. We continued to talk and text a lot. I really enjoyed these times, so very much. But I never told him that I was starting to want more and not date other people. He came over to hang out with my friends and I and it was a fun and exciting time. My friends loved him so much that they both texted me immediately to say so. Foolish girl I am. We met up on a Sunday in Montgomeryville and went to some craft stores together. Yes!!! He did that for me. At lunch he ordered me a club soda with lemon, knowing that that is what I always ordered. I'm so stupid, I didn't believe that he could really liked me. I don't know why. That night he followed me home and we walked through the park hand in hand. I have NEVER done anything like that. We kissed that night for the first time and I got dizzy...not sure if I ever really felt that about someone prior to that, not like that anyway. It was magical. (Yes another Harry Potter reference.) I knew I was falling for him, but because I am me...I didn't tell him. I don't know why...I guess I thought if he did the fairytale would end. So we decided to spend a night together. I was so excited, a little nervous-only about disappointing him. I was in such bliss...that amazing place that books and movies say exist. It was perfection. After this...I started freaking out and insecure and started to loose everything (not that I had it, but the chance was gone too). I don't know why. I didn't feel that he wanted a relationship, not with me anyway. I am not saying that things would be different if I would have grown some guts and just told him how I felt, but I will never know now. Now he has a girlfriend, because that is what he wanted. He posted her on his facebook that he was in a relationship with _____________. If he only knew that over a month ago I wanted to change my status to say that I was in a relationship with him. Now that's not a possibility...and the world may never know if it could have been. I may have blown the best thing that has happen to me, but I surely have learned my lesson the hard way. Well to end...I will go back to where it all started with Harry Potter...a time turner would be a great gift to appear upon my pillow one day.

A Victim of My Own Imagination

Daydreaming some may call it when one goes off in another world in their mind to create wonderful and glorious stories. I enjoy this so much. I have complete control over what happens in the world. It's my world...I make all the decisions for all characters participating in the story. No one or anything can hurt me. One fantasy I like to go off into is winning the lottery (doesn't almost everyone) and how I can do so much for those I love and build my dream house---than my imagination ruins it and says...." do you not know that the chances of that are so slim...NOT LIKELY. UGH...victimized.  I sometimes will dream that Oprah or Ellen would send help out to help me build my dream house and write a letter of reference to my dream job. But then again my imagination goes sour and says...you aren't special enough for that. Victimized. I also like to daydream that I am swept off my feet by the man of my dreams and we spend many months in full bliss. He would fall madly in love with me and I with him. Then I imagine how he would propose and how romantic it would be and sweet. Then what our wedding and future would be like. Most of the time the part of my dream man is is played by a shadow-no one in the real world, but sometimes I do bring a real one into my fantasy. It's amazing for a while, but then I let the bad thoughts come in, because this is a real person, with real feelings and real actions and well he wouldn't follow my fantasy the way I create it. Not that he should, but in my fantasies I have no doubts at all. No doubt he would ever walk away from me. It's so safe there. I can't let anyone down or do anything stupid or let my insecurities push him away, but when I come back to the real world...I become victimized by thoughts that I will not be able to truly hold the love of another. But when you've never done something in the real world...not even once it's hard to believe that you could. Being a victim of something that can't be punished or taken away, but by something that is always with you is very hard. So how does one get rid of these sad thoughts of herself and just say...." The fantasy is waiting to join you in the real world." Sweet dreams....sweet thoughts...I am going to visit fantasy land and bring at least one sweet thought and feeling with me.

Curve Ball

Just when I thought things were going to change....the pitcher threw a curve ball. Sometimes I think I would rather just be hit by the ball and advance to first base. This curve ball had  to come at such a bad inning. Things were looking good for the rest of the year. Still having to practice hard to win for the team, but now gotta play on two teams. So frustrated!!!! When one is spread so thin both teams will begin to suffer. I am not so happy about all of this and have been crying on and off for the last 2 hours. I am totally stressed out and unhappy. I know, I know, " There's no crying in baseball", but you want to know something? This really isn't about baseball. Curve balls come at us from all over and in all parts of our lives. But I am going to shine up my bat and hit a gosh darn GRAND SLAM!!!

Angel are you there?

Tonight I am writing to my angel.
Dear Angel, Please open your wings tomorrow morning and sit be the one you know who will be going through a tough time. Sit with her and be there for her and make sure she's ok. She needs you tomorrow really badly so look over her the whole time, please. You could bring some of your friends as well. The more the better. Thank you. On another note, I think about you every day many times a day. I ate dinner with daddy tonight. It was nice...he seemed a little happy today. Sometimes I don't know what to do with him. I did try setting him up (never to replace you...please never think that, because NO ONE ever could) he is just so lonely. I don't like seeing him like that. I have another lady I thought about setting him up with, but don't want to have her not talk to him too and hurt him. Anyway I just wanted to express these feelings to you. I feel guilty about wanting daddy to find a companion, but I can't be everything for him. I am trying to live my life..that's a little hard too. Well I just wanted to say that I was thinking about you and wanted to ask you that little favor. Sweet dreams. Love Me.

Losing control to the demons

It's been a long time since I last wrote. I believe way too long. This was supposed to be a way for me to get the crazies out of my head and well I have been letting them control my heart and soul. The demons are beginning to win and I am not sure how to stop them. I have been very stressed for quite sometime and just keep pushing things out of my mind...good right? Wrong!! They all just come rushing back to me at once. As I said in my last post, I feel half empty because I keep going and going and going and haven't moved at all. I just sit back and continue to wait and wait for my life to start and I have watched (at least) the past 12 years since college graduation just pass me by. It feels like yesterday, but over a decade has passed. Missing out on this time and not trying to make some of my dreams come true, not being afraid to take chances, and furthering my education just hurts so much. I look at others and see that they are so much further in their lives and 10-15 years younger than me. It hurts because I never could believe in myself enough to do those things. I don't really know why I have these demons that continue to hold me back, but I do and now time has just slipped away from me. Time that I can never ever get back. If only I had a time machine, or a DeLorean that travels back in time, or a time turner, but those are fantasies until they end up on my door step. Don't get me wrong, i am a very lucky person for having people in my life who love me and would do anything, especially my aunt (best friend), but I still am missing a big part and I don't know what that is. I have been looking, but I can't find it. I think the demon crazies just win every time. So for right now I am just so angry with myself and very frustrated for just letting so much time pass and I am not sure how to get over it or work it out. I'm sad truly sad right now for letting myself get to this point. I am the only one who can control my choices and yet I never seem to make the ones that will make me truly happy and get closer to the dreams I have had and where I would really like to be in my life. May I get a little closer soon.

Half Empty

I have absolutely no idea, not when it comes to myself anyway. Thirty-five years ago I was given a life. A life full of opportunity and love. I was very fortunate in the life I was given. I had constant and unconditional love. I was given opportunities that others dream of having, so why then I ask..."Why am I so lost and unhappy?" I just don't know. I feel that my life is passing me by and I am not taking advantage of anything. I am just floating by missing out. Every day I get a little older...I have more days that I have been alive. More days that I have been given to do something with, but I haven't done too much with them...ok I have done something, but I don't feel as if I am living my life to it's fullest. I feel half empty. I need more out of life. I don't want to sound selfish or anything, but I do. I want as much as I can. I think that there is so much I want that I can't focus and I get overwhelmed with everything that is out there. Wait maybe that is not such a bad thing. I mean I am only half full so I have lots of room for all of it, right? Alrighty then, I am going to start filling up. Where to start....any thoughts...crap I am lost again!!

Escaping to Ecstasy

Ecstasy, according to Merriam-Webster, means "An overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement." So wouldn't we all like to escape to this place. This place full of joy and happiness. So we ask ourselves, "Where is this joyous place of bliss and complete contentment?" Well there isn't just one right answer. To each of us this place will be a different destination. It will require a different travel itinerary. These destinations are completely endless. They may be attainable at the place you stand right now. They may require thousands of miles of travel. The destination may require a minute of time to reach or a lifetime of trial and error. Ecstasy is happiness, if only for just a moment, without any glitches or roadblocks. There isn't any construction in the place of Ecstasy. So where is your Ecstasy? For me it is forever changing. I find that my Ecstasy Escape Destination changes at a crazy rate. Sometimes it is one destination, other times it's another. However, today it is clear. I can paint the picture of my Ecstasy today. Today I feel myself sitting peacefully alone on an island with the sun shining down on me. The only sound is that of the ocean beating against the sand like a steady peaceful heartbeat. The weather is a perfection of blue skies, solid sunshine and temperatures of the utmost comfort. My entire being is more relaxed than ever before with nothing on my mind, but true and compete happiness. My mind is quiet and on a true vacation. There are absolutely no decisions to be made, because the things I need and want just appear beside me before I have to think about wanting or needing them. They are met way in advance. Wow what a beautiful day of true bliss! What a day of Ecstasy!