Losing control to the demons

It's been a long time since I last wrote. I believe way too long. This was supposed to be a way for me to get the crazies out of my head and well I have been letting them control my heart and soul. The demons are beginning to win and I am not sure how to stop them. I have been very stressed for quite sometime and just keep pushing things out of my mind...good right? Wrong!! They all just come rushing back to me at once. As I said in my last post, I feel half empty because I keep going and going and going and haven't moved at all. I just sit back and continue to wait and wait for my life to start and I have watched (at least) the past 12 years since college graduation just pass me by. It feels like yesterday, but over a decade has passed. Missing out on this time and not trying to make some of my dreams come true, not being afraid to take chances, and furthering my education just hurts so much. I look at others and see that they are so much further in their lives and 10-15 years younger than me. It hurts because I never could believe in myself enough to do those things. I don't really know why I have these demons that continue to hold me back, but I do and now time has just slipped away from me. Time that I can never ever get back. If only I had a time machine, or a DeLorean that travels back in time, or a time turner, but those are fantasies until they end up on my door step. Don't get me wrong, i am a very lucky person for having people in my life who love me and would do anything, especially my aunt (best friend), but I still am missing a big part and I don't know what that is. I have been looking, but I can't find it. I think the demon crazies just win every time. So for right now I am just so angry with myself and very frustrated for just letting so much time pass and I am not sure how to get over it or work it out. I'm sad truly sad right now for letting myself get to this point. I am the only one who can control my choices and yet I never seem to make the ones that will make me truly happy and get closer to the dreams I have had and where I would really like to be in my life. May I get a little closer soon.

Half Empty

I have absolutely no idea, not when it comes to myself anyway. Thirty-five years ago I was given a life. A life full of opportunity and love. I was very fortunate in the life I was given. I had constant and unconditional love. I was given opportunities that others dream of having, so why then I ask..."Why am I so lost and unhappy?" I just don't know. I feel that my life is passing me by and I am not taking advantage of anything. I am just floating by missing out. Every day I get a little older...I have more days that I have been alive. More days that I have been given to do something with, but I haven't done too much with them...ok I have done something, but I don't feel as if I am living my life to it's fullest. I feel half empty. I need more out of life. I don't want to sound selfish or anything, but I do. I want as much as I can. I think that there is so much I want that I can't focus and I get overwhelmed with everything that is out there. Wait maybe that is not such a bad thing. I mean I am only half full so I have lots of room for all of it, right? Alrighty then, I am going to start filling up. Where to start....any thoughts...crap I am lost again!!

Escaping to Ecstasy

Ecstasy, according to Merriam-Webster, means "An overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement." So wouldn't we all like to escape to this place. This place full of joy and happiness. So we ask ourselves, "Where is this joyous place of bliss and complete contentment?" Well there isn't just one right answer. To each of us this place will be a different destination. It will require a different travel itinerary. These destinations are completely endless. They may be attainable at the place you stand right now. They may require thousands of miles of travel. The destination may require a minute of time to reach or a lifetime of trial and error. Ecstasy is happiness, if only for just a moment, without any glitches or roadblocks. There isn't any construction in the place of Ecstasy. So where is your Ecstasy? For me it is forever changing. I find that my Ecstasy Escape Destination changes at a crazy rate. Sometimes it is one destination, other times it's another. However, today it is clear. I can paint the picture of my Ecstasy today. Today I feel myself sitting peacefully alone on an island with the sun shining down on me. The only sound is that of the ocean beating against the sand like a steady peaceful heartbeat. The weather is a perfection of blue skies, solid sunshine and temperatures of the utmost comfort. My entire being is more relaxed than ever before with nothing on my mind, but true and compete happiness. My mind is quiet and on a true vacation. There are absolutely no decisions to be made, because the things I need and want just appear beside me before I have to think about wanting or needing them. They are met way in advance. Wow what a beautiful day of true bliss! What a day of Ecstasy!

Got the Blues Down South

Traveling for work again and just really feeling down. I am not sure why to be completely honest. Let's see I have a great family, with an aunt who would do anything for me and friends who would be there for me no matter what. My dad loves me more than anything. I live in a nice house with good food and a warm bed. I have a pretty reliable car and well I have a good job with benefits and job security (not the pay I long for but it's ok). I think I am totally burnt out at my job. I "criticize" people for a living. I give them nice feedback too and I do it for a good cause, but it's very hard on me emotionally. I have tried and tried to expand my horizons, but I am going nowhere. I would seriously like to find a job that really makes me happy, though I love my company and the people surround me there, but do not enjoy the job I perform-at all. Then my love life...well what love life. I think I have absolutely nothing to give anymore. I thnk my heart is seriously broken and there is a part of me that hates him for doing it to me. Then another small part that still loves him. WHAT THE HECK?  Maybe it is just one of those things that is irreplacable and I won't be able to let myself fall again. After over a year, my heart still hurts and I feel so betrayed and I just don't know how to get the ugly images of him and her out of my mind...I feel sick...Hey maybe a nanny job will come up that full time that pays more than I make now and it's for a successful, attractive, sweet single dad looking for me...oh I probably still wouldn't feel nothing. The butterflies have flown away...I seriously hope that one day I can feel that again.

First Class Counseling

Last night I had some real First Class counseling. Here I was sitting in First Class on my way to Atlanta. However, Atlanta decided to postpone our arrival due to it's spiralling winds and threats of tornadoes. Hmm sounds like my head, it's twirling and whirling and whirling and twirling. So that's what it is! I have a tornado in my mind. Well as we sat out on the tarmac, as I like to call it "time-out", the First Class cabin started to chat, a little at first, but then as the minutes and hours began to tick away, conversation became very interesting especially with an amazing flight attendant, which are hard to come by these days. There was match making going on---air romance.com---eharmony look out! There were drinks being drunk, between all the first class passengers probably a few gallons (wow, those people could drink). Introductions were being made. Business cards were being exchange and then came the counseling. Somehow I became the topic of conversation. What is this High Schooler doing up in First Class? Well I happily explained that I am way past my High School days. They all became very interested in what I did, seeing as I wasn't your typical Platinum member or business traveler. My job is very different than most of the company I had last night. I work with children-not a big travel industry. Anyway, it came up that I would really like to try something new, but very confused and then I was bombarded. These two man, John and Michael, just kept drilling me with questions. They kept trying to get me to find a path that would make me happy. Their questions were different then most of the questions I get. They really made me think...a little differently then usually. Michael kept telling me..."think outside your degree, think outside the box...If a Philosophy major can become a secret agent...anything is possible". He also said, "You can't keep doing the same thing everyday and expect different results. ... ". That was a powerful statement for me...because it is so true. Then John, kept saying all these great things about me and that he sees what a passionate person I am and that I am good with people. Here I was with two First Class strangers and they are building me up to something I have never felt before...something amazing. There words of wisdom and generosity was a First Class act. It was a great counseling session for me. I hope these words and feelings don't blow away from the tornado that still spins inside. First Class advice from First Class people, sitting in First Class...makes me feel First Class.

Digital Destiny

Digital Destiny or otherwise known as online dating. Wow! Can you believe that you can write a few words, click a few buttons, sometimes pay a small fee and you have yourself a catalog of possible mates. Not only are there mates after mates, but there are sites after sites. That's a lot of mates. Back in the day before online dating and the Internet, the amount of mates for choosing was much more limited. There were the boys/girls down the street. There were the boys/girls you went to school. with. There were the ones you met at the bar or poetry class. But now, the pool of mates has stretched the world. Now that we have the endless amount of choices, have we increased our chances of meeting our destiny mate? With the world at our fingertips, are we more likely to find the "one and only"? In thinking about this, the common answer would be, "of course". Having more choices and more opportunities the more likely to find what you are looking for. Right? However, on the other hand, what if having so many choices and so many opportunities causes us to pass right over the "one and only". While looking for the perfect mate, with the right look, the right income, the right family values, the right all, we get so comfortable with passing by someone because there are so many more to choose from. Are we too quick to say "no", knowing that the pool is full of much more fishes than in the past. We could have "closed" or "deleted" a match without even considering that he/she might just be the one. When you have more choices, do we become more picky in what we are looking for. Are we looking for something too perfect? Don't we deserve to have exactly what we want? But what if perfect doesn't exist, no matter how many choices you have? Who really chooses your destiny? Is it up to the power of technology or does it truly come down to the most powerful antique instrument of all...your heart?

35 and Still Young at Heart!

Being a "Kid at Heart" could mean different things to different people. It could mean someone enjoys playing with children. It could mean someone likes child-like television or child-like games. It could mean they still play like a child or collect child-like toys or collectibles. It could just mean that someone is immature. Besides the latter of them (I hope not in a bad way anyway.), I happen to fit all these molds, so that means I must truly be a "Kid at Heart"-"Young at Heart". My career path has always been working with children. From being a PK teacher, to being a nanny to working for one of the best child care providers in the Nation, my careers have had a requirement of liking to work with children. I do. I really do. Children are so fun and exciting. Yes they can be tiring sometimes, but they are real. More real and true than adults. They are innocent and tell you how it really is. And when they tell you they love you, they really do. I enjoy playing with them and talking to them and love to hear the very interesting stories they tell. Of course sometimes they are very hard to understand, just makes it so much more fun. Then comes the child-like TV/Movies. OMG...One of my favorite movies of all times is The Corpse Bride and Beauty and the Beast. I also love any movie with a Cinderella theme. I still love The Flintstones and anything Disney. When a vacation comes around...Disney World  is my favorite place...though I must have my favorite aunt with me. It's just not the same without her. There are many other child-like movies I love as well. For example: The Game Plan, Enchantment, and all Christmas Movies. Games...I love games. It always fun to play like a kid. I love to forget that I am an adult...at the appropriate times of course...and let my inner child come roaring out. Just the other day, I celebrated my 35th birthday. To celebrate my birthday, I had my closest friends over for a "sleepover". It was great! We made a really cool fort. We made and ate yummy pizza. We also took some graham crackers, icing, and lots of different candies and made cool houses. We spent a lot of time on these to make them perfect. We had ice your own cupcakes as well. There was a cotton candy maker and easy bake oven ready for use, but the sweets were already getting to us. However, they will be used in the near future. We wore our PJs and even did our hair in a youthful way. Yes we had a blast acting like kids again and can you believe we did it ALL without the use of alcohol. Some may think this is dorky or whatever, but we didn't care. We had fun and remembered what it was like to be young and innocent. It's important to do these things sometimes so we don't forget that innocent and amazing feeling you have when you are a child. It's like Christmas. What's more exciting and magical believing or not? (Can refer to post below: Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Clause from December 13, 2010 for more information on this matter.) Now collecting toys or child-like items has become a passion of mine as well. I still have things from when I was five. I still have my Strawberry Shortcake dolls, all my Barbie dolls, and yes of course Cabbage Patch Kids. I keep them all. I have every doll that my parents gave me since I was a baby. I love dolls. (I was a typical girl.) I still collect dolls, though the dolls I collect now are not really playing dolls, but collectibles. Many think the things I save are junk or consider me a pack rat. I believe I am keeping my childhood alive in my heart. I will forever and ever hold this dear and near to my heart. So think about keeping your childhood alive and your heart young and next time you see a puddle jump in it.