Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Hectic Mind and Baffling Loneliness

Spinning and spinning and spinning, why won’t my mind stop spinning? My thoughts are all over the place. It can’t seem to focus on any one thing for more than a split second. It’s here then there then over there then back again. I feel like a cat chasing its tail. I can’t relax my thoughts. They are so all over the place, so scattered. I am a serious scatterbrain. My thoughts are of so many different things, but can only think of the things that hurt my heart. Why? Why do I let my mind lead with these types of thoughts. And not just one, but several, one after the other. I can’t even focus on one thing long enough to find the good within. I sit here with my mind askew and feel as if something extremely heavy is sitting upon my chest. I am so dizzy and my head hurts from all the annoying chatter that has been going on the last few days. I feel claustrophobic from my thoughts. It’s overpowering me. I can’t breathe. As my mind swirls and swirls and rotates as fast as the Earth, I feel this awful loneliness, but it’s not your normal loneliness that may occur. It’s a baffling loneliness, because I am so fortunate to have so many loved ones and ones that love me. But yet, I feel so hopelessly lonely, lost and saddened. I come home to an empty house all the time. No one here to give a smile that I am home. No one to miss me. I see my loved ones from time to time, but mostly I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner alone. I watch movies alone. I have lots of love in my life, I do and should not feel this way at all. But I do. I feel so claustrophobic with thoughts. I hold my breath. I feel so overwhelmed and I feel so darn lonely. New Year’s is coming up. I know I could be a 3rd wheel or the “single” one, but for some reason that just seems like it could make me feel a little sadder that I don’t have a date for that night.  There are many that don’t and I know I have a lot to be grateful for I really do. I just feel so terribly lonely. I never settled down to have a family. I have never found true love, someone I love to truly love me back. But I won’t settle for anything less. Maybe it’s my hopeless romantic self that causes my loneliness. I have a great guy in my life. He makes me laugh and smile when we are together. He even went out of his way to spend Christmas Morning with me. He’s a great guy. That’s the problem. I want love with him. I know that what we have is a friendly fun amazing friendship, but I feel sad not knowing if we could ever be more. I want more with him more than I have ever before. I am myself around him and it feels good. I understand some people don’t want relationships or love, I just wish he did, with me of course. See my mind goes from one thing to another. My mind is feeling and thinking of him, thinking I’m not this enough for him and etc. Then my mind thinks he’s finding other better things. Then my mind is off to thinking, “you need to purge a lot of your stuff in your house, you have too much”. Then my mind is off thinking, “you need to focus”. “You are gaining too much weight, you need to get back to getting fit. You are becoming fat”. I just can’t focus and I can seem to find the path down the positive thoughts. I am stuck on the negative, self-doubt merry-go-round and it keeps going and going and going. I can’t seem to get off. I need this ride to stop. My heart is hurting too much. I need to let some light in. I need to calm my thoughts. I need to just breathe.

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