Just a quote...

Me: Why do we always crave the things we shouldn't, why do we always want what we can't have and why do we always love the unrequited???

Heartbreak Hotel

Elvis Presley knew what he was doing when he put the words-heartbreak &hotel-together in a song. Sitting in a hotel room night after night all alone can really take a toll on someone's heart. It is much different than going to hotel for pleasure whether it be with friends, family or a special someone. Sometimes alone time is a good thing and we all need some alone time. But too much of something isn't always a good thing. Like Elvis sang, " (I get so) lonely baby, I get so lonely, I get so lonely, I could die". Seriously one could drive themselves completely insane sitting alone constantly. Also having to always be in a hotel week after week isn't that great for a love life either, once again Heartbreak Hotel. Right now I wish I were snuggling up with someone on the couch smiling at each other. Oh I know too mushy. Will my life of travel hinder me from finding someone to love me despite my hotel lifestyle. Will there be someone who can accept my travels as they are? Accept me as I am? I am not sure of all this. If it is not the traveling, it is the timing. If it's not the timing, it is another girl. If it's not another girl, it's just me. See sitting at the Heartbreak Hotel just gives one too much time to just think. Think about way too much stuff that one should not trouble themselves with. A king size bed waits for me tonight, but it will be empty. Maybe it's not just the Heartbreak Hotel that makes me feel this way. Maybe I have reached a point where I really just want to fall in love and be loved and have someone to lie next to me and hold my hand and kiss me every night before I sleep. Ahh...that sounds lovely. So instead of the Heartbreak Hotel, it would be a loving, hand holding, kissing sweet home.

The Big Red Truck

When most of us think of the a Big Red Truck, we think of the one that goes roaring down the road with sirens and whistles racing to a fire. I used to think this way as well. But now to me The Big Red Truck is something even more (not saying that firetrucks are less important-because they save lives, homes, etc). When I was a little girl, I was pretty much all girl when it came to my toys. I had doll after doll, barbie and barbie, and played house pretty much everyday. I never owned any toy cars or trucks. So why now, why when I am in my mid 30s does a Big Red Truck get my heart going and my eyes open wide, just like I did when I was a kid and Santa brought me my first Cabbage Patch Kid. Ok so maybe it's not exactly The Big Red Truck itself, but what's in it. Inside this Big Red Truck is happiness. A happiness I have not felt in a very long time, maybe even since those times I used to wait up for Santa with the glow of Christmas lights reflecting in my room from the outside glow. Don't get me wrong, I am for the most part pretty happy, but this happiness was magic, like Santa. Every time I see any Big Truck, but heart does a little skip. But it's The Big Red One that really gets my heart a fluttering. Yesterday, The Big Red Truck took me for a ride. The actual ride in such a large vehicle was actually pretty exciting to see what a large monster could do. The laughter and fun inside was heart melting as well. It was kind of like a rerun of those Christmases so long ago. The glow in my heart, the fun in my soul, and the friend by my side. I cannot go back to those Christmases when I was a child and have those same experiences-unfortunately I grew up, just like I cannot have the magic within The Big Red Truck-because Santa gave that magic to someone else. But I still believe in Santa and believe that he will return the magic to me-maybe not the one in The Big Red Truck, but magic that will make me feel that blissful happiness I once did on those Christmas Eves long ago. The magic I felt not too long ago. The magic I felt  from a Big Red Truck.

The Ross and Rachel Saga

Sitting here watching "Friends", and the whole Ross and Rachel saga is having some issues. It is the episode where Ross comes home from China with Julie. Rachel realizes just before how much she wants to be with Ross. However, it is just too late. I feel like Rachel right now. That for a split second of my life I had the chance with a man I could have spent the rest of my life with and that split second came and went so fast. To be truly honest maybe that moment never really existed. Maybe it's his nice way of saying "Sorry I am not interested". Because it just all happen so fast. I was with him one day and it seemed like the next he was off in love with someone else. It seems a little like Ross and Rachel. Ross said how much he was in love with Rachel, but the moment she realizes her feelings, He is gone and in love with another woman. Ross and Rachel continue to stay friends for years. How did they do this? Maybe because the show is called "Friends"...LOL. I really would like to be friends, but it is a little difficult to know how happy he is and the thought that maybe I was just a second best...or maybe 10th or 100th best..who knows. "Friends"...that's all I can have right now, but how do I stop that ache of knowing what else is going on? I don't know that is for sure. I know I need to begin to move on like Rachel did. She dated. I have a date this weekend with a very handsome man, but my insecurities are already starting to come out. He's too hot for me...He can be that into me. OMG this is insane. I need to just go and have fun and enjoy his company. I know. And as my Ross said never say never. So maybe just like Ross and Rachel a day will come that Julie will find a new love and my Ross will come back to me...most likely not. So I need to focus on a new Ross...hmmm. Who could be my new Ross...maybe I just need to forget about a Ross and focus on myself so when Ross does come into my life, I can be honest and be confident enough that I deserve him.

Stake in the heart...need a Band-Aid!

Last night I took a stake through the heart. I was told in a very nice way that the chance of my happily ever after with the man from my last post is about the same chance as I have to winning the lottery. But it is what is it and I cannot hold on to an almost. An almost means it is truly over. Last night I also walked into my best friends' house (husband and wife-who am closer to both of them just like we were all siblings). He is probably one of the closest guy friends I have ever had in my entire life. He's amazing to talk to and a great listener. Well last night after the stake had pierced my heart, I walked into their place trying to avoid eye contact with those I was with. But as I was standing in the kitchen, he (my "bro") came in and looked at me and saw "the blood dripping from my heart" and just hugged me so hard. I cried very hard and no one else really knew what was going on, but just let bro handle it. I thank him from the bottom of my heart for soaking up the "blood", "sweat", and tears. I have many woman in my life who are just as amazing and wonderful and ALWAYS there for me, but sometimes having that male view is just a little different. Trust me, he doesn't sugar coat anything. We took the conversation outside as the blood started to dry just a little from the terrible stab. He and I have some things in common, when it comes to broken hearts. Though broken hearts are out there, just like there are cars on the roads. But sometimes we don't looked passed the pain in our own hearts. The pain that makes it hard to breathe. Wow...only one month...was I in love? Sorry side tracked...I was writing in appreciation for a guy who put all is crap to the side to help his "sis" try to fill some of the voids within the chambers of her heart. To him.....THANK YOU!!! Though he was unable to completely heal the wound..that will take some time...he made me realize that I cannot drive the stake in and out and in and out. I need to take it out, wipe up the blood, and put a Band-Aid on it and let it begin to heal.

What almost was!!

Of all Birthdays, Harry Potter's happen to be a special one this year for me. Yes I know he doesn't exist but neither does the fantasy I almost had. The one I am about to share. Well the story begins on Harry Potter's 21st Birthday if you are like I and believe Harry continued to live. It was a beautiful Sunday and the travel blues have not yet set in. I arrived at the cafe to meet an unknown man. Someone I had just spoken to virtually, but was finally going to meet him in person. I sat on the big comfy sofa just waiting. Time kept ticking and our meeting time had past. "He's not coming" I thought to myself. I sat bouncing my legs in anxiousness waiting. About 15 minutes after the destined time, he showed up. I remember he was wearing shorts and a t-shirt (supporting the fight against cancer-must be a caring guy). It was a short visit, but nice at the same time. We said our goodbyes and had planned to see each other again. And so we did. Our next meet up was during the week, I snuck out for a lunch break to meet him. Once again short but sweet. I gave him a hug and he texted me and was so happy. We met again at the same place one night after work and it was amazing again. There was a storm coming and he said you better get out of here before it gets bad. He offered to sell me his house too...lol. Our first night time date happened that following Friday night...where? Friday's of course. It was a great night. He talked to his son on the phone with a twinkle in his eyes...melted my heart. At this time, I was still saying that I wasn't ready for anything serious. Hey I had been so hurt in the past I was so scared. We hung out at our cars for quite some time...though he wasn't making me to happy busting on my team PSU, but hey it was all fun. We hugged again. We continued to talk and text a lot. I really enjoyed these times, so very much. But I never told him that I was starting to want more and not date other people. He came over to hang out with my friends and I and it was a fun and exciting time. My friends loved him so much that they both texted me immediately to say so. Foolish girl I am. We met up on a Sunday in Montgomeryville and went to some craft stores together. Yes!!! He did that for me. At lunch he ordered me a club soda with lemon, knowing that that is what I always ordered. I'm so stupid, I didn't believe that he could really liked me. I don't know why. That night he followed me home and we walked through the park hand in hand. I have NEVER done anything like that. We kissed that night for the first time and I got dizzy...not sure if I ever really felt that about someone prior to that, not like that anyway. It was magical. (Yes another Harry Potter reference.) I knew I was falling for him, but because I am me...I didn't tell him. I don't know why...I guess I thought if he did the fairytale would end. So we decided to spend a night together. I was so excited, a little nervous-only about disappointing him. I was in such bliss...that amazing place that books and movies say exist. It was perfection. After this...I started freaking out and insecure and started to loose everything (not that I had it, but the chance was gone too). I don't know why. I didn't feel that he wanted a relationship, not with me anyway. I am not saying that things would be different if I would have grown some guts and just told him how I felt, but I will never know now. Now he has a girlfriend, because that is what he wanted. He posted her on his facebook that he was in a relationship with _____________. If he only knew that over a month ago I wanted to change my status to say that I was in a relationship with him. Now that's not a possibility...and the world may never know if it could have been. I may have blown the best thing that has happen to me, but I surely have learned my lesson the hard way. Well to end...I will go back to where it all started with Harry Potter...a time turner would be a great gift to appear upon my pillow one day.

A Victim of My Own Imagination

Daydreaming some may call it when one goes off in another world in their mind to create wonderful and glorious stories. I enjoy this so much. I have complete control over what happens in the world. It's my world...I make all the decisions for all characters participating in the story. No one or anything can hurt me. One fantasy I like to go off into is winning the lottery (doesn't almost everyone) and how I can do so much for those I love and build my dream house---than my imagination ruins it and says...." do you not know that the chances of that are so slim...NOT LIKELY. UGH...victimized.  I sometimes will dream that Oprah or Ellen would send help out to help me build my dream house and write a letter of reference to my dream job. But then again my imagination goes sour and says...you aren't special enough for that. Victimized. I also like to daydream that I am swept off my feet by the man of my dreams and we spend many months in full bliss. He would fall madly in love with me and I with him. Then I imagine how he would propose and how romantic it would be and sweet. Then what our wedding and future would be like. Most of the time the part of my dream man is is played by a shadow-no one in the real world, but sometimes I do bring a real one into my fantasy. It's amazing for a while, but then I let the bad thoughts come in, because this is a real person, with real feelings and real actions and well he wouldn't follow my fantasy the way I create it. Not that he should, but in my fantasies I have no doubts at all. No doubt he would ever walk away from me. It's so safe there. I can't let anyone down or do anything stupid or let my insecurities push him away, but when I come back to the real world...I become victimized by thoughts that I will not be able to truly hold the love of another. But when you've never done something in the real world...not even once it's hard to believe that you could. Being a victim of something that can't be punished or taken away, but by something that is always with you is very hard. So how does one get rid of these sad thoughts of herself and just say...." The fantasy is waiting to join you in the real world." Sweet dreams....sweet thoughts...I am going to visit fantasy land and bring at least one sweet thought and feeling with me.